Domestic violence is considered one of the most pressing issues in American society. Everyone quotes the statistics given by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1 in 4 women will be victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, 1.3 million women are assaulted by their partner every year, 85% of domestic violence reported is against women. However, in a conflicting survey taken by the CDC in 2010, it was found that 40% of the victims of severe, physical domestic violence are men.
Despite many findings that show almost equal amounts of abuse perpetrated against
men and women, the media and government focus the most attention on the female victims of domestic violence. Men are largely silent on the issue because of the perception that men are physically stronger and should be able to subdue a female attacker easily. Those men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed–both by law enforcement and by the public–than women are. More money is spent on women’s programs, and more crusades are launched on behalf of women who are victims of domestic violence despite the fact that men are almost equally or in some cases more likely to be victims of both physical and psychological abuse.
Although there has been an increase in the number of fatal domestic violence incidents against women, men are more likely to be victims of attacks with a deadly weapon. According to one study, 63% of males as opposed to 15% of females had a deadly weapon used against them in a fight with an intimate partner.
What is worse than the statistics, however, is the fact that there has been little research in the area of domestic abuse against men because neither the Justice Department nor any other agencies will fund such research. Because they refuse to do the research, people are able to perpetuate such myths as women are only violent when defending themselves, or that men could more easily leave a violent relationship.
Because of lack of funding, there are also few shelters that cater to men. Most shelters available will only take women and children, and some even have an age limit on the boys that they will take in (13 years old).
There is some help for male victims of domestic violence. MenWeb (www.batteredmen.com) offers resources for men, as well as a place for them to tell their story. There is also a Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (1-888-7HELPLINE) operated by a nonprofit in Harmony Maine. Clark University and Bridgewater State University are currently conducting a study on male victims of domestic abuse.
Men who suffer domestic violence can only receive help if they break the silence. Not reporting domestic violence because of the stigma attached is the main reason that men currently receive few services, and one of the reasons that studies on the issue are so few.
Sources:
Figure taken from MenWeb: CDC/DOJ Survey Men more often victims of intimate partner violence. https://web.archive.org/web/20120515060546/http://www.batteredmen.com/NISVS.htm
Philip Cook,”The Truth About Domestic Violence”. From the book Everything You Know is Wrong (Russ Kick, 2002). Published by The Disinformation Company.
Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women. http://dahmw.org/
I believe that men can be abused, my husband was in an abusive relationship before he met me he has a scar on the back of his ear where the woman tried to rip his ear off. She tried to strangle him and he had to defend his self. She would call him names and say bad things about his daughter. This woman has made him afraid of even being yelled at I see the damage she has done. She still today is harassing me and him both we have blocked her on facebook and she still finds ways to get at him. He endured 19 months of this and finally got fed up and left for good. If he had not left she would have killed him.
As a boy I watched my father physically assault my mother, the most scarring was when he choked her until she passed out. As I got older I always knew that I would never be like him. I was never very tall but I was always very strong and muscular and was very aware of the type of violence I was capable of. My first love was my world, she convinced me to leave the Bronx which was where I grew up and all of my family was. When we moved to her home town things were great, we were young and in love, the sky was the limit. After a while the truth about who she was began to surface. It began with belittling comments, and gradually escalated to days and nights of me worrying about what she was going to do next. She would throw things at me, curse at me, emasculate me, slap and punch me and by the end, she threatened me with and tried to use a knife to cut me. I was holding my oldest son and she came out of the kitchen with a knife in her hands saying that she was tired of me and that since I won’t take a hint and leave she will just have to make me leave. I thought at first that she was kidding, but then she lashed out at me with the knife. I couldn’t believe that she tried to cut me while I had my son in my arms, I put my son down, grabbed her, and pushed her against the wall all the while she swinging the knife. I was eventually able to get the knife from her but that wasn’t until I grabbed her by the neck with the hand that was not restraining the hand with the knife and began to squeeze. She dropped the knife and it took me a second to let go, I was angry, not just because she tried to cut me while I was holding out son in my arms but also because she turned me into a man that I did not want to be, my father. I let her go, packed a bag, kissed my son good bye and left. I didn’t have anywhere to go or stay and was went into a depressive tail spin. It took me many years to recover from that, to realize that I wasn’t my father and that what I did, I did in self defense. I didn’t know it when it was happening but she was abusing me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I once told a this story to a friend of mine in confidence, his question was why didn’t I kick her ass, and why was I being such a bitch about it. This is the truth behind a man being the victim of domestic abuse. The shame of being a man and being in that type of situation is soul crushing. Men being victims of domestic violence is a dirty secret that most men will not admit to. Even though I have come to terms with it I still can’t talk about it, so much so that I didn’t use my real name for this post. I am an almost 50 year old man that is so scarred by what happened to me that I can’t be in a relationship, so much so that I am still single. While I was in the military there was a guy I worked with that lost his, home, money and eventually his life because he was in a similar situation. One day he comes to the command and requests a cool down room because he and his wife had gotten into a fight. The police came to base and arrested him because his wife called and said that he had hit her. He admitted to hitting her but only to get away because she had attacked him. A couple of days later he was released on bond and was not allowed to leave post. That night he committed suicide, a few weeks later my unit was called to muster. Our commanding officer told us what happened and the results of his autopsy. It was found that he had scratches over most of his neck and back, he had old and new bruises and worst of all, he had suffered a severe blow to his groin was swollen and he had suffered a testicular rupture. He had left a note and in it he talked about how he had told the police about what she had done and that they said that he was just making it up so that he wouldn’t go to jail. He said how one of the officers went as far as to suggest that he had someone purposely cause those injuries so that he could say his wife did it. The interviewing officer asked him how he expected them to believe his story when his wife was barely over 5 feet tall and skinny as a rail. He said it was because he refused to fight back, the cops reply was to taunt him by pretending to be crying and saying boo hoo, my wife hit me. The shame of admitting that he, the man, was a victim of abuse and then suffering the taunts and humiliation by the police, losing his home and everything else left him feeling that there was nothing left but to commit suicide. He was over 6 foot tall, 200 plus pounds and extremely athletic. Because of his stature, and job no one would believe him, this is the nasty truth about this type of abuse and why it does not get reported. Men are always looked at as the perpetrators even when they react in self defense. We need to open up about this, we need a safe place to be able to open up about this, because if I can go through it and he can go through it, there is no telling how many others out there are in the same situation or have been and already have taken their lives over it. When men hit women, the women are victims, When men hit women and the woman fights back, the woman is the victim, when a woman hits a man, very few people believe or acknowledge his situation and go out of their way to avoid calling him a victim, when a woman hits a man and a man defends himself, the becomes the victim. The percentage of women that commit DV has almost equalled that of men that batter women but yet the legal system prosecutes less than a ten percent as compared to the 80 plus percent of men. I find this to be very disturbing that a great majority of women can commit DV with impunity. Just because I am a man does not mean I am any less a victim, where are my rights? Where are my advocates? Where is the outrage? Why can’t I be safe? Why can’t I defend myself if the legal system won’t defend me?
My son was killed by a domestic abuser, his wife, last December. She has gotten away with it. If there are any activist/advocate groups I can participate in, to educate people, please send me an email. Please.
For an extended time my wife invented reasons to get violent. I wore a shirt the same color as the dress of a woman at her work. I had never met the woman, but she was younger than my wife and in her eyes, prettier. She would hit me and after I learned how to block all her blows she started to grab my glasses and try to break them; I really couldn’t see much without them. I have witnessed other people’s case of similar actions and know it isn’t who throws the first blow, it’s who decided that it was going to become violent. In my case, I learned my wife had planned the violence before I walked in. I wish education and counseling was the answer but there are many forms of mental illness and people in denial out there.
As an abuser against my now ex-husband I feel sorry for the guys that do get abused. I had issues that I refused to deal with at the time of my marriage because I said I didn’t need help. The reality was I needed help, counselling, medication, self evaluation, what ever it was I needed it. I used to throw things at him, verbally abuse him & mentally abuse him & after 4 & a half years together he left, he just couldn’t take it any longer. Still 14 years later he doesn’t trust me all that much, but he is starting to realise that I have changed & I am sorry for what I put him through & the trust is small but there is a small speck of trust there now.
I want guys to stand together & say “We are the silent victims of domestic violence” . Just because society perceives guys as being the stronger sex doesn’t mean its true, because it’s not!!!! There are those amongst us that don’t/can’t/won’t stand up to a woman because if they do they then become accused of violence against women & end up being persecuted for standing up for themselves. Somebody………..anybody…………..start rounding up the guys who have been abused by women. Let this silence end, let us hear your voices & start bringing it out into the open because…………..
VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN HAPPENS!!!!!!!
I am a female and I abused my boyfriend he was/is the only boyfriend I have ever hit. The first time I ever laid my hands on him everyone said it was justified, but the truth is it wasn’t I hit him because he threatened to take is own life and kissed our newborn son goodbye. What I should have done was talked to him let him know that everything was going to be OK and let him know that I would always be there for him. Everyone in my family was angry with me but glad to know that their 170lb 5’6″ daughter/sister could defend herself against a 320lb 6’6″ man, but he never fought back. His family laughed at him and taunted him for allowing a much smaller girl to beat him. A few months had past and I abused him again and again he did not fight back a few more months passed and we had gotten into a heated argument I was holding our son he thought I was going to hit him so instead of waiting to find out he grabbed me by my throat and slammed me against the wall. Thats when I realized I was an abuser and I made a man who barley raised his voice let alone hit someone, hit me. For years there was abuse on both parts some I would hit first other times he would hit first. I have injured him pretty badly I have pulled knives out on him. He has left bruises,cuts, marks, broke my foot. One day we both took it further than normal he began to choke me harder than normal I was just about to blackout when I reached to the side of me and grabbed a pair of hair clippers. I hit him just below the eye with them he let go due to the fact he had bleed so bad he couldn’t see. I rushed him to the hospital where his mother and brother where waiting. The nurses and doctors assumed it was his brother who had done it to him I never was a person of interest. Needless to say nobody got into trouble I was convinced not to turn myself in because if I had they would have to arrest him as well.I made a promise to him and myself I was never going to put my hands on him again. 6 months had past noone had been physical to the other and I was 5 1/2 months pregnant very high risk. He had gotten angry at the fact I offered to help my mom pack up and move back into town. For hours I tried to avoid him ignore him do anything to stop his yelling but he was just angry. He started to toss me around throwing me on the bed on my stomach and choking me. I begged him to stop he kept telling to hit him and I kept yelling that I wouldn’t do it I made a promise and I wasn’t going to break it. For two hours he threw me around choking me sitting on me. After he was finally done he walked out. I had gone to the hospital to make sure our daughter was OK a few hours later he was arrested ( I wasn’t the one who called, I had no intention of putting him in jail). He almost severed timed for attempt of murder cause he had choked me and I was pregnant. He almost lost his job and everything he had ever worked for. All because I as an abuser turned a good man bad. After years of abuse on both parts two beautiful children and a promise and commitment to one another we are going on 6 years together and 2 years since anyone has put hands on the other. Females can and do abuse their men I am/ was one of them. I have 5 brothers that all have been with abusive women. No MAN no WOMAN should hit their partner. And women should be punished just as harshly as men. We women can’t claim to be equals and play a victim card in my personal opinion its no different than a black person being equal and playing the racism card. We are all equals women, men, blacks and whites. And for all you men out there who have or are being abused listen to me don’t hit them back call the cops, get the help you deserve. You will always have supporters.
I know and believe that men and women both can be the abusers. I also realize our laws and courts are out of touch with todays domestic problems . But the reason for my comment is a piece by a man with the name of John. He portrayed a mental illness (borderline personality disorder) in a very negative and incorrect way. There will be persons reading these comments (also, friends, family, boy/girl friends, couples (married or not) that have this diagnosis and some may believe his rants and this could cause fear, mistrust, stress of perceived chance of violence from the persons with this disorder, or even falsely placed blame on the person with this very complicated illness if DV would occur. Also think of the embarrassment, confusion of the misrepresented symptoms, even guilt and shame that could affect the person that has this illness. Fear too that they might be miss judged by others. John, don’t let your anger and maybe the shame you felt write incorrect info that might cause harm to another. I feel sad what happened to you and hope you are healing . P.
My little brother was murdered in March 2012 by his girlfriend. He was only 29 years old, she killed him and tried to dispose of his body on a farm in a rural area located in Elbert County, Colorado. The police department wouldn’t put a missing persons report out when we knew something was wrong… we knew who he was with last and nobody would listen to us. We knew what she had done this because he told us she was going to kill him and we all told him “leave her” he said “you don’t understand she is crazy” he told his friends “If I end up missing she did it”…Well she killed him and is now walking free while my brothers four children are without a father. We live in Denver, Colorado and we are putting together a rallying on Oct. 15, 2014 to bring awareness of the double standards of domestic violence. To try and get some understanding from our state as to why his killer has not been brought to justice. Im happy that we have come so far with womens rights its amazing. Im tired of telling my mom the detectives will handle it… NOW IS THE TIME to stand up for our brothers, sons, dads, cousins… Lets stand up for OUR MEN!! I dont know what we are doing but I can no longer stand by and do nothing!!!!
If anyone in the area would like to support the cause please feel free to email me at [email protected] we need all of the support and help that we can get. We are starting from scratch so any advice or support will be greatly appreciated
A few of the comments here still pass on the stigma about abuse against Men. Being a victim of DV myself, I believe the stats released by this article. I have been married now almost 17 years and I have been abused on average 5 times/yr. Believe me, nothing to brag about but not looking for pity. It’s difficult to leave when children (two of them in my case) are involved. It started off as verbal abuse in private, then verbal abuse in public, then became physical. She’s one of those type of women who maintains a peaceful, friendly personality in public for the most part, but her TRUE personality comes out behind closed doors. I threaten to call the police the last few times but I’m not out to embarrass her or traumatize my daughter so it’s just a threat to get her to stop. The most recent incident was last week.
I am a strong guy, able to take care of myself. For me the damage is most mental and emotional. It really hurts to know that someone I committed my life to and sacrificed for, thinks so little of me that she feels it’s okay to verbally or physically attack me. I am just biding my time until I can just leave and get a divorce.
I wish that it would become common knowledge what men are suffering. So many people seem to believe that men are never victims of women.
I grew up in a home where DV was a way of life. I somehow survived 14 years of being raped, beaten, verbally and emotionally abused. I was an army dependent, both my mother and stepfather were in the army. In a 3 year period between 11 and 14 I had managed to get 30 counts of run away always to be returned already broken and bleeding , to my parent’s home so that I could endure more for embarrassing them. It wasn’t uncommon for my face to be bruised or cut by my mothers hand. It wasn’t that uncommon for me to have broken bones from either her or my stepfather. The system off base declared it wasn’t their problem it was a military matter. The system on base, felt that I was simply a bad kid who liked to hurt himself. I left home for the last time at 14. Out of a reaction I blacked my mother’s eye during a beating she was giving me. People might like to think we aren’t animals, but instinct will always trump reason in a bad situation. I managed to stay gone and never return. Because even then I had already learned that no one cared at all the damages she had done to me, all they would see is the black eye I gave her.
Later in my life I married a woman that I was in love with. I was young and stupid and never took her anger into account always forgiving it or doing my best not to be the target of it. Until one night when she opted to stab me with my own knife for simply asking her why she was home so late. I know a lot of people feel that might be a little overboard and maybe even a little made up. But lets face it, people are often unreasonable. As before though, I knew the system would never help me, so I then too left. This time I was able to do so without touching the woman that has harmed me. No one has the right to be abused, and no one has the right to abuse another person.
My lesson in all of this? The system is broken and only encourages women to be violent towards men as there is no repercussions for her actions. Now I don’t believe all women are like this, But a great many are and it’s making it harder for us men to trust women or trust that it even matters if we try and report being hurt. I have to wonder. How many men that kill their partners in DV do so because they realize that their life is already over and they feel that at least they can remove another abuser from the world. Truth is, I considered that very thing growing up. Was stopping my mother’s abuse of my sisters and I worth losing my life over? I think if I had been stronger and less afraid, I just might have.
Compelling stories here. Allow me to tell mine…
I was arrested for Domestic Violence Assault in 2011. My life hasn’t been the same since that horrible day. The next day I was late for work because I couldn’t get to my truck that was parked in my dooryard where my now ex=girlfriend was living, with me. Hence, I was “evicted” from my home until she moved out 6 weeks later. My boss fired me on the spot. I had called in to tell the office what had happened. I was kept in a jail cell for 7 hours before a close friend had come and bailed me out at midnight.
I’ve lost everything I owned except the clothes on my back. As already stated… My job, my house, my dog, a John Deere tractor, an art collection, ski’s, canoe, fishing equipment, etc., etc. Most of all I’ve lost my independence. 3 years later and I still have no job. My previous 2 jobs consumed 25 years of my life. I’m loyal to the company I work for.
Here’s what happened. You be the judge… My girlfriend had been living with me for a year and a half. I had a good paying job and she had a job that wasn’t as lucrative, for lack of better term. I came up with a budget in which I would pay 2/3rds of all of our combined bills. She would pay 1/3rd. Fair enough. I learned that in couples counselling years ago. Fact is she could never “afford” to pay her share. After several months I had enough of that problem and told her to go. She would cry and promise to pay and that whole girlly girlly show, I gave into it. My mistake. Things didn’t change and she puts her vehicle off the road and it has damage which makes the rig unsafe to drive. Now she needs a dependable vehicle. My credit is stellar and hers is not. I rework the budget and find a way to get her a used vehicle, the loan has to go in my name. My mistake again. In 10 months she made only 2 payments toward the vehicle and still not contributing to the “household” budget. Long story short, she gives me a check for a months payment towards the vehicle and I take it to the bank and the teller tells me “I can’t deposit this check for you” and she hands it back to me. Insufficient funds. I was upset but not over the top. I’d seen this before.
The incident… I got home and she’s in the wash room doing laundry and I was calm. I walked into the room and held the check up and said ” good try. It bounced.” As I turned to walk out she said..”you should have cashed it sooner when the money was there” and slammed the door shut right to my back. I got to the bank 3 days after she had given me the check. When I heard and felt the door slam I lost my temper. The door was locked and I “broke” through it. I threw an empty jug of laundry detergent at the wall. That wasn’t enough for me so I grabbed another laundry detergent jug that was about half full and threw it at the wall. There, I was over it. She said, “I’m calling the police.” I said, “don’t do that.” I sat down on the couch and she walked by me and picked up the phone and dialed 911. That’s when the lies started pouring out. “He hit me with an ironing board.” “He has guns.” “He’s staring at me.” “I’m scared.” I hollered out “those are lies.” I simply got up and walked outside and then I could hear the Sherriff coming down the country road I lived on. He interviewed me and I told him exactly what had happened. He went inside and interviewed her and came out and said “The stories didn’t match up… You’re under arrest.” She had not a mark on her. The Sherriff admitted this to me. On the ride to jail I asked him why he arrested me and he said because she got sprinkled with laundry detergent. Her shirt had roughly 7 spots of laundry detergent the size of a dime on it. That equaled in law terms… “Offensive Contact.”
I had never been in trouble with the law before. I was handed a penalty of a One Year Deferred Disposition.” That is, if I stayed out of trouble with the law for one year the charge would be dropped. However, I had to plead guilty to the charge. I was told it wouldn’t show up on my record. Not so sure about that.?? I was told I didn’t have to check off the “conviction box” on an application. No so sure about that.?? Remember, I haven’t been hired in 3 years of searching for work.
This is the first time I’ve told my story to the general public. I entered myself into counselling the day after the incident. A term came out that was startling to me. It hit the nail right on the head…. “Financial Abuse.” I was a victim of financial abuse. I’m not happy with my actions that day. What I have been through has caused me to be a more patient man. Anger Management helped. Counselling helped. Drawing closer to God and having a Bible study has helped. I feel reformed because there have been many situations that I could have been angry about but, I have maintained an even keel. I am better a person, no doubt.
I have a point to make. If society is serious about getting a handle on domestic violence, it’s going to have to take a good hard look at the core of what has caused the violence. I certainly have taken responsibility for my actions that day and I’ve payed the price and then some. But, the one who was “stealing” from me is the victim.?? Huh.?? It takes 2 to tango. It takes 2 to debate. It takes to share. It takes 2 to love. It takes 2 to commit domestic violence. Society has to study the perpetrator AND the victim. The victim and their mental state is as important to study as the perpetrator. We’ll never get to the bottom of this thing the way the law is slanted now. Man cannot fix man’s problems.
All this said, of the perpetrators here, are you working.?? Has it been difficult for you to find work.?? Are there advocates out there for the perpetrators to help them weave into society again.?? If so, I need the links. I’m on skid row for throwing a jug at the wall. Mind you, I understand my wrongs that day. It’s just the penalty seems way out of proportion.
As my sister-in-law said… She wasn’t scared. “She was pissed.” I cut the funds off and the only way for her to get “even” was to call the cops.
Am I in denial.??
My wife beat me for 4 years she has a pain pill addiction along with her Mother and when she couldn’t get them she was a demon she knocked me out twice in front of my son and step daughter threatened suicide told me she hopes I flip my truck on the way to work.on Christmas night of 2013 at
9 pm or so she went to her mothers house they called the cops and told them I had kicked her in the butt I was sitting in a recliner playing with my sons Nabi he was right beside me when she came in the door told me she was totally flipping my world upside down walked into the kitchen took the ham out of the oven threw it in the sink and walked over to me started to tell me how she didn’t need me anymore she had a 17’000 savings bond bout that time my mom calls I pick up the phone and she just starts punching hitting me and scratching me I’m sitting down my 3 year old son is upset beside me so I put my foot on her chest push her off me get up walk into our bedroom push the door closed put the bed against the door turn on planes for my son I sat on the bed and about that time I hear her running down the hall she hits the door pushes the bed halfway across the room my son then is really scared so I get up grab my coat and give my son kisses hugs tell him goodbye and I proceed to leave as I’m walking out her mom walks in starts saying your going to jail I never said a word to her mom I leave about an hour later I get a call to come to the police station they just wanted to talk to me
I went to the police station they took my statement and told me I was going to jail over a quarter size bruise on her butt cheeck my face was scratched beat and they ignored everything I told them I was the victim thatnnite this was Dec 25 Jan 1st she was moved in with another man I haven’t and cannot speak to her ever since I haven’t seen my son in nine months and I have lost over 50 lbs since I’m still fighting to see my son everyday the justice system is protecting my son from the wrong person she’s the demon .
I’m a female college student who think that domestic abuse is domestic abuse regardless we is doing that abuse and in the manner we should all be entitle to that same help and benefit. I understand the there is some very cruel and damage man out there but on the other hand there is less female abuser but those not make it ok. also I also believe that part of this behavior my come from a deep issues and that what we need to work on. For example little girls that see their mom getting abuse by their father many of them grow up to be abuser because they think before he those it to me I will do it to him. That those not make it right but I do understand it. I’m a public health major student I will be doing my research paper on domestic violence and how I feel it just not fare. And again I have to say I do understand the female are that majorly of that victim of domestic violence but what can we do to help over all. I’m open to any ideas or information about this subject
Female are mother and teacher let teach our children that abuse goes both way and is not right in any situation.
I’m a female college student who think that domestic abuse is domestic abuse regardless we is doing that abuse and in the manner we should all be entitle to that same help and benefit. I understand the there is some very cruel and damage man out there but on the other hand there is less female abuser but those not make it ok. also I also believe that part of this behavior my come from a deep issues and that what we need to work on. For example little girls that see their mom getting abuse by their father many of them grow up to be abuser because they think before he those it to me I will do it to him. That those not make it right but I do understand it. I’m a public health major student I will be doing my research paper on domestic violence and how I feel it just not fare. And again I have to say I do understand the female are that majorly of that victim of domestic violence but what can we do to help over all. I’m open to any ideas or information about this subject
Female are mother and teacher let teach our children that abuse goes both way and is not right in any situation. I will also love to participate in activist /advocate groups feel free to email me
It’s hard for me to hear men talk about the false reporting, because that’s what I’m being accused of. I play the past over and over in my head and there’s no way he wasn’t psychologically abusive, controlling and manipulative. The GAL believed him and not a word I said. He didn’t look after the welfare of the children and now they’re living in a household with his chosen partner who assaulted my 2 yo last week. I called the police, CPS, requested a welfare check, filed a anti-harassment order against her and so far, I have no idea the state of my children because he had a lawyer that ensured the doubt of the court about my innocence. I’m sorry some of you men have gone through this, it sucks. I know I would have my kids if I had a lawyer. My ex is a narcissist and has no ability to connect intimately with anyone, nor does he understand how his actions affect other people. He could run around in a tirade and I was expected to be even keel, with no response, just happy and affectionate. If I got upset, I was called crazy, bitch, worthless and a child. If I got upset about the name calling, I was told I was blowing it out of proportion and making a mountain out of a molehill. He’d kick me under the table when he didn’t like something I said at dinner with friends. He’d text me “shut the fuck up” from across the room when he didn’t like the subject of conversation that his mother in law was insisting upon. Yet, he has my kids. I wish he would have hit me instead of threatening to many times. Then, someone would believe me.
Moral of all these stories, kill the bitch abusing you and run, you will lose everything anyways, might as well stop her from doing it to someone else.
In response to “Donald says:
October 3, 2014 at 10:12 pm”… Your comment ..”it takes 2 to commit Domestic Violence”…?? That’s an ignorant comment!! One very important step in healing from abuse is knowledge. Educating yourself, researching, reading, more reading, learning as much as possible! It doesn’t take 2 to commit Domestic Violence!
More feminist propaganda about the poor poor woman being the victim of domestic violence.
However we are not talking about your grandmothers abuser any more.
First, women perpetuate over 50% of the abuse case and some of those can be even more brutal.
Cutting off a mans penis or testicles is more common than one might think and there is nothing
comparable to it that men are known to do. (Where have you ever heard if a man cutting off the breasts of his spouse?)
Thanks to toxic feminism, women are more prone to hit a man than visa versa. Women hit men because they know that a man is forbidden from hitting her back. It’s tantamount to hitting a defenseless person. Women who hit men with this in mind are the scum of the earth,
We have a lot to thank for this new belligerent attitude from women besides feminism, is Hollywood. It wasn’t that far back that there was a human cry about women being hit by men in movies. The feminist got there way and you would have to look hard to find that kind of behavior now.
However now all I see anymore are these hard ass and macho female super women heroes beating and hitting men with impunity. Don’t think that this doesn’t seep into the psyche of the average woman that is shown that it is not only OK to hit a man but actually cool! After all what woman does’t want to be like Angelina Jolie?
Also, in many relationships, women are stealth in their abuse towards men and are more psychologically abusive. So when there are those times when men do react physically to their spouse, they are seen as the aggressor and this perpetuates the myth of women being the innocent victims. Sorry there is no justification for a man to hit a woman solely based on her attempt to emasculate him, but unfortunately most men are not secure enough in themselves and to dependent on a woman for his emotional security to withstand this kind of abuse.
Men who come home and just beat there wives up for no particular real reason are rather rare and most likely have some kind of a substance abuse problem. But the perception that women are almost always the innocent victims and men are just plain mean goes on
Just found this site yesterday and it’s helped to see other people have gone through what I did…. As with a lot of these cases, I am a 6’1″ 200lb man and my ex wife was 5’1″ and 115 soaking wet…. I wish I’d have known then what I know now…. had previous incidents of her throwing things at me, screaming at me even though I pretty much took care of our boys from clothes, to dinner to lunches for school etc…. didn’t make a difference. The ‘Incident” that landed me in court started out with us going to an Az Cardinals game beginning of Nov 2005 … long story short she started drinking heavily and basically flipped when I asked her to stop screaming out cuss words as there were kids in our section… she left me at the stadium but I got a ride home and walked in to our apartment. Fortunately the boys were at my parents house as we were going to the game…. I walked in and told her that the boys would be staying at my parents house that night. She started screaming at me that I had embarrassed her at the game and she should be able to “let loose” when she has a chance…. I told her that there was no talking to her in her present condition and that I was leaving and would be back in the morning when she was sober and we needed to talk…. as I was reaching for the front door handle I saw her swinging an ironing board at me and I blocked it with my left forearm as I was trying to grab door handle with my right hand… she swung twice but my forearm took the brunt of it… as I was leaving she came out and threw a chair that was outside our front door down the walkway at me…. neighbor saw it and went inside as I just held up my hands walking away…. went to my parents house to sleep and my Mum insisted on taking photos of my left forearm as there was visible scrapes and bruising. I show up the next morning and she is apologetic but I told her that if she is going to be drinking I don’t want her around the boys…. she agreed and cries and says she thought I was going to leave her… end of , I thought, but that’s when it all turned….. Day before Thanksgiving I get a message on my phone from a detective saying she wanted to talk to me about incident on Nov 5… we were getting ready to go to my sisters house for dinner when I looked at her and told her about the message I just got…. she said she thought I was going to leave her so after I left that night she called her friend and they went to hospital claiming I had hit her because she knew I would fight for custody of my son
cont….. I play phone tag with the detective but finally she leaves a message saying nothing will be filed. By April ’06 I knew I had to leave and that I would be filing for divorce and fighting for custody…. I talked with the detective numerous times to find out if this was going to come back and bite me in custody battle and even finally met with her face to face and she told me “that she appreciated my concern but there was no file to make a note of our meeting as there now was no case file because there wasn’t any evidence.” I file for divorce and custody of my son (his older half brother was from a previous relationship) and in May 06 I meet for pretrial deliberation about custody arrangements when I am told that City of Phoenix is now filing domestic violence charge against me… I find out who the lead detective is and much to my relief, it’s the detective I had been talking to all this time! I find out my ex took pictures of her face and jaw that night claiming I punched her and she is submitting them in trial…. I had my pics of my forearm as well and when we saw her pictures there wasn’t anything to be seen ( I thought she might’ve faked it or something!?!)…so going into the court case I was not only confident of winning I was told I should consider having her charged with filing a false report… walked into court thinking I can’t believe they are going through with this and up until start my attorney is convinced they aren’t even going to try this and just throw it out….. then it started and reality hit
I was expecting her to get up on the stand and “put on a show” and she didn’t disappoint but after her own mother testified FOR me saying she had talked to her daughter that night and she was “barely coherent” and that she knew I didn’t do anything and her daughter had a drinking problem… my ex admitted being so drunk she didn’t remember throwing the chair at me as I left (neighbor was at court) until reminded of it. Then I see the detective I ahd talked to all those times and she was “giving a statement but was not available for cross examination” … Oh, and also, this little doozy…. despite saying that she had gone to the hospital that night the prosecution had “lost” the medical report (after my conviction that day I appealed and got a copy of the medical report from her visit that night where the medical professional actually wrote on there “evidence does not correspond with her story” which is obviously why I wasn’t picked up or ever arrested…. same Pro Tem judge said she would’ve convicted me even with that evidence so I lost that appeal)… then the capper…. after she (the judge) asked “why would she lie” about my ex and my attorney explaining about divorce and custody proceedings the judge actually said that the “only visible injuries are on the defendant…. but I’m going to go ahead and find him guilty”…. I was floored….. shocked, confused and yes… angry… didn’t say anything in court as I was speechless!!!! But my first thoughts were about my custody battle for my son and how this was going to kill me
Fortunately… It didn’t… I got primary parent of my son as the psychologist who we hired, outside of the courts of course, gave a scathing evaluation of her and recommended I get sole custody (woul’ve still gotten 50-50 time but that’s another story about how the courts discriminate against Dad’s for another time)… he actually stated in his evaluation as far as my abuse conviction that he just didn’t believe I did it in his recommendation to the custody judge. I have had conversations with my attorney that day as even though I had the judgement “set aside” it still has prevented me from getting a better job and I still have to fight to have my rights to bear arms, God forbid I ever have to protect my family from harm…. My attorney told me that the Judge actually told him “a little counseling never hurt anybody”….. she had no idea the frustration and anguish that day still causes me….. even when I completed my mandatory counseling, I told my story to my counselor and of course he even said, yeah, everyone in her is innocent….. then I let him listen to the CD I still have of the audio of the trial and he came back the next week and couldn’t believe what he had heard!!!…. He did say that it made him think twice about all the guys who claimed to have been innocent…..
Whew….. man, did that feel good to just lay it out in writing…… If there is any site or organization that men can turn to…. please have someone post it on here!!! Thanks for reading my novella… I am quite sure there are many more blokes out there who have had it happen to them …. and just to be clear. It is NOt OK to hit anyone or be abusive in a relationship…. Man or woman… It is just wrong and cowardly… I just wish the courts would relaize it does go both ways…
Peace
Hi, i’m a victim of male domesitc violance by my wife, it’s more viberal but it’s obvious that she wants to control eveything. This hurts so much to know that she rally don’t love me, never want to marriy me and the last in her agenda. I own a home with her, and I’m just scared to start over. and I know why don’t you just leave, easyer said then done, I have now where to go, my family can’t help and it’s so imbrassing. She a bully and self center, I can’t anything my defence because she explodes into this crazy woman. And I not the only guy there a thousands that are treated like crap every day.
I am the ex of a man who is now in an abusive relationship. He and I were together for 22 years and we parted ways. Now he is in a 5 month old relationship with a woman who has punched him in his groin, punched him in his face, he and her 15 yr old daughter punchung him in his face. He call me and fills me in and has even drove the 700 miles back to our home, to just turn around and go back to it. I am fearful for his life and safety but he will not listen to me or his son. Now I await the next call telling me this crazy lady has killed him.
It’s easy to appreciate the well-meaning attempt to draw more attention to male victims. It’s true that male victimization isn’t as well reported so it seems worth raising the public consciousness. However, the writer does all victims a disservice in that she seems to have reported the statistics incorrectly or in a misleading manner. For example, the 2010 CDC survey does not report that 40% of victims of severe, physical domestic violence are men. Rather, it reports that 13.8% of victims of severe, physical domestic violence are men (2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, pg. 2). This result is borne out in the 2011 report as well. Also, I don’t know where the deadly weapon statistic comes from, but according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics’ 2005 Family Violence Statistics report, 83% of spouse murderers were male, which seems a rather strong counterpoint.
The point is that, while male victims deserve a greater voice and there is little doubt of cultural bias regarding domestic abuse (for both men and women), faulty or misleading reports undermine attempts to bring the issue forward. Why? Misleading reports serve as a fodder for detractors, promote unnecessary conflict or an us vs. them mentality, and perpetuate the myth that statistics determine importance. Regardless of gender, it seems to me that victims of domestic violence are best served when the facts are reported accurately and transparently.
I am a college freshman writing my third paper on male victims of abuse by females and I must say that these stories, these realities, have really hit home for me. I mean, I know that male victims are often misunderstood and charged falsely, but reading these true stories truly showed me how real this actually is. I just want y’all to know that there is help out there, and if you guys need someone to get help for you just let me know, email me or something. You’re definitely not alone, and there is light in the darkness. Some of y’all are already out of it based on your stories, and I’m proud of you for taking action, that’s great. If you still want someone to talk to, I’m here. I would love to help and get involved to fix this issue and the inequality of laws for DV against men vs women. May God be with each and every one of you.
I found the article to be a little biased in the language used. When I read the article the language lead me to belive that women are also just as likely to be perpertators of intimate partner violence against men. What I wonder tho is what the numbers tell us.
We know that men are also victims of rape, however the numbers tell us that the perpetrators are still vastly commited by men.
What I am curious is that if the numbers of men who are victims of intimate partner violence are perpertated by other men?
It does not seem to add up properly to me that men do not report intimate partner violence that is perpetrated by women because it is an embarrassment.
It does, however, seem much more likely to me that men who are victims of intimate violence are less likley to report it because the perpetrator is their male partner. We know already that same sex partnerships have much higher rates of unreported sexual and physical abuses due to the oppresive systems set in place against same sex couples.
We know already how difficult for a person who is greatly invested in an abusive intimate relationship is to report and seek help, now if we add being outed to that equation then I think we can clearly see why these cases are underreported.
I dont mean to argue that women do not act violently or are abusive. There is also a vast amount of intimate partner violence among female same sex couples.
But I just want to point out that perpetrators of intimate partner violence are much more likely to be men. Our society promotes men to be violent.
Domestic and intimate partner violence hurts everyone, men, women, trans, queer, children, community…. this list goes on and on…
read this
Hi Alicia. I read with great interest your comment of February 2, 2015. I too, am writing a research paper on domestic violence perpetrated by women toward men. Please e-mail me if you would be interested in sharing any current information. Thank you in advance for any and all information you can share. Miriam
Hi
I read these stories thinking it would bring me comfort to relate but it didn’t. I am a victim of DV and a male. I am still in the relationship and trying to get out. I am constantly ostracized, threatened, financially withheld from, insulted, and have tried to kill myself once. It is hard being a male in an abusive relationship as most people either don’t believe you or don’t admit that it can happen against males.when I bring up DV against males most women get angry and tell me that only men abuse women. My wife has a political position in a south American country where we live. When I reported the incidents they were swept under the table as she used her position to cover them up. I am also a veteran and went to the VA for psychiatry. They asked if there was any DV and I said yes, then they asked how long I had been abusing her I explained its the other way around. It was also ignored. The united nations and the US government are failing society by refusing to admit to this growing social issue. Many times men are held to double standards and not heard in this arena. I am a feminist and believe this to be a feminist issue. I believe women should earn the same as men and allowed to do whatever they wish. However, due to the lack of control of domestic violence against men and the lack of accurate studies I foresee a societal problem for women as men may eventually act out due to the fact that our human rights and dignity are being ignored. I believe DV against women is a problem. However, I would argue that DV against men is a much larger problem as there is no national or international forum to directly address the issue. It was saddening to read all these stories and hopefully I will be able to get out of my situation alive as I am being threatened and can’t really do much about it without facing unjust consequences that I was told will affect me.
Sitting in an urgent care googling articles to show the doctor to prove that there really is such a thing as a male victim of domestic violence, they don’t believe me.
@Jocylen Rogers, I understand how you could have this outlook, it is how society has shaped it. It seems that women are more commonly the victims, because society does not belittle them from claiming that status.
And to answer your questions, to break down the details further separating male female gay and straight, lesbian relationships suffer the most incidents of domestic violence, next to straight, with gay men having the least incidents of domestic violence.
Additionally, the 40% figure is official, and additional anonymous studies have shown men to be 5 times more likely to not report any type of violence towards them by females, but are just as likely as females to report violence towards them by males.
Interesting statistic, but it seems that this tendency actually inflates the statistics against men, not against women.
This is a very important lesson, and we as women should not ignore it because it is inconvenient. Being a victim sometimes does not give anyone a free pass to victimize others.
I have been a victim all my life, I understand the emotional toil it can place on you. I would like to share this story. While I live in Southern Missouri, a gentleman went to the authorities about the abuse he was receiving from his wife. She was a school teacher. They ridiculed him in court, did not believe a word he said. He lost his children to her. Several months later he killed her and himself. The true story of all that he had to put up with came out. A message here is, make sure you have a support network. This poor man had none. I know it is hard to talk about these things, and I can only imagine how hard it is if you are male. There is help out there, the shelter in that small town did have resources for male victims. Most do if asked. If you feel that its time to break free, make a plan, pack a small bag containing only what is necessary, copies of important papers. This can take some time, leave it at a friend or Preacher, someone one your network . try and record the fights with your phone. The cell phone is a great tool for this. Plan ahead. Contact your local shelter, they might have to find somewhere for you or they will give you other numbers to try. If you can afford it, leave quietly and stay in a motel in a different town. Children should be taken from that kind of environment. None of this is easy. If you are like me and hundreds if not thousands of other victims, doubt will be with you every step of the way. you’ll start thinking that perhaps it was your fault, it’s not. The longer the relationship the harder it will be. I have been alone now for 5 years, but the toil of the abusive marriages has taken its toil. 3 of my children no longer speak to me, I have TSS, and fight depression every day. Its far from easy, but you deserve to wake up in the morning with a smile. God bless you all.
I am a Male Victim of Domestic Violence and have been repeatedly assaulted and emotionaly abused throughout a long and tortuous 11 year Marriage. Each time I have made an attempt to make a report to the Police they have arrested ME !!. Simply because following my own emergency call, they then go and talk to my Wife who gives them a different story with a counter allegation. They imiediately take her side and arrest me. Even if I am the one with bruises and bleading physical injuries, whilst she has none !.
I cannot make her leave my house, even if I divorce her. Infact I was told by a Solicitor that things could get worse for me, if I decided to file a divorce whilst she continued to live in my home. Plus any divorce I may choose to file could be refused on the basis that I am the one the Police have decided to arrest and not my Wife. Because of this they could deny my request for divorce based upon my Wife’s abusive and unreasonable behaviour !.
So the torure continues !.
My son sets in prison after killing his roommate due to domestic violence. She had physically and mentally abused him and used him for three months along with comments and ideas from her Mother. There was a history of abuse for this young woman who had abused several other male roommates the same way but with a few she bit and burned them with cigarettes.
My son never got a trial. The Prosecutor and defender and judge convicted him. Wore him down in jail and pushed a plea deal on him till he took it after setting 6 months in a cell 21 hours a day, with no outside time. An attorney claimed he was being railroaded and there was no toxicology but we couldn’t afford the attorneys $30,000 fee. It’s not fair. 25 to life in Ohio
He never had any previous trouble. Not even a speeding ticket!!!
I hear these things but is there a grass roots organization for violence against men.I have been reading the terror false ppos cause against men but I cannot find where anyone is fighting it.Could anyone put me in touch with a group.
I was injured in Iraq and retired after fifteen years of service. My life has been torn apart. In the past year I have been arrested three times for domestic violence even after I had to call the cops for my wife kicking in the door to my apartment. I’m going through a divorce and my wife has made false claims about me. I presented evidence that my wife has been abusing me and her ex husband was in the Navy and arrested for domestic violence as well. She gets part of both of our retirements. And the guy she left me for is retiring from the Navy now. She preys on military and knows how to use the system. I have been bullied by the Escambia county’s Sheriffs when I was arrested they stole money out of my wallet and even stole my zippo lighter. My wife lied under oath admitted to lying and the judge still put an ankle bracelet on me because I have PTSD. Fighting for this Country has done nothing but cause me pain. And to come home to a disgrace. The only thing worse then what has been done to me is that no one cares and they are not willing to share my story. Please tell my story.
Timothy Grant Chandler
Listen after hearing all these stories , I feel I tried once and now not sure anything could really even ever be done. And I currently am living with a TBI, tramatic brain injury. I was assaulted recently with a Louisville Slugger and basically laughed at by police and firefighters.Yeah a district attourney advocate gave me a little hope, but no real help. So maybe she will change . Hope maybe she will understand since I moved her back how to treat a good man.
In an unprecedented undertaking, a total of 42 scholars and 70 research assistants at 20
universities and research institutions spent two years or more researching their topics and writing
the results. Approximately 12,000 studies were considered and approximately 2,000 were
summarized and organized into tables. The 17 manuscripts, which provide a review of findings
on each of the topics, for a total of 2,300+ pages, appear in 5 consecutive special issues of
Partner Abuse published between April, 2012 and April, 2013. All conclusions, including the
extent to which the research evidence supports or undermines current theories, are based strictly
on the data collected.
Key finding: Rates of female-perpetrated violence higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%)
Everyone knows it. Our children bear the worst impact.
Read the book, “Take Into Custody” by Stephen Baskerville.
Game Changer.
I am a senior at UWF in Pensacola Fl and a survivor of Domestic Abuse. The toxic relationship lasted 8 years and I am proud to say I ended it 5 years ago. I have been reading through these comments and I noticed several people asking for advocates or organizations that help men in these types of situations. Unfortunately help is very scarce for men and the help that is out there is not effective or efficient. My purpose in posting here today is to inform everyone that I am attempting to start a foundation that helps DV victims and survivors regardless of gender. I am looking for stories I can post to raise awareness, as well as, any information that I can use to help build a website for education and advocates on the topic of Domestic Violence committed against both male and female victims. Please feel free to email me with any information that could help. My goal is to have a solid foundation to launch my organization before May/2018. I can use all the help I can get in making the truth about DV common knowledge for everyone.
My Condolences!
I am a survivor that is currently creating an organization for the men and family survivors of Domestic Violence. My heart goes out to you for your loss!.. I am also upset with myself for not already having something in place that might have been able to save your sons life! I am seeking those who are, and have been wounded by such situations. If you are willing, I’d like to welcome you to join us and possibly save the lives of our children, families in the near future. Please contact me at 1-206-566-8389. We welcome your help to create a platform for Families like yours. I hope to hear from you soon.
I currently am in a situation with an ex partner. Things have become physical in the past when we were together but now is all emotional abuse. We separated in 2017 cause things had gotten bad on both sides. I have made a commitment to addressing my reaction/retaliatory behaviors & am currently doing a DV program & have not committed any acts of abuse against her. Recently she made a choice to move someone into her home that was deemed a danger & was told by Department of Social Services that he absolutely could not be there. Let me also add that her & I have an open case with DSS due to the past but no custody order as we felt we could work together & have. Things have been amazing for us as we were working on our issues in an attempt to reconcile. The decision by the department has now set her off. She has become verbally abusive by blaming me, calling me a fuckin piece of shit etc…. & keeping our child from me unless I agree to just simply be a baby sitter for her own personal gain. Here is the messed up thing as many of us men already know. I have reported this verbal & emotional abuse for the last 8 yrs & guess what it is all my fault. I addressed the issue today with the current DSS caseworker & he is in agreement that she is for certain the aggressor & I am doing things right by trying to talk about it & not retaliating to it. However, nothing they can do as the county I live in here in NYS will not fund a program for female abusers as they do not accept that they in fact abuse as well. my only peace in all of this for me is addressing my own actions & educating myself on how we men as the abused become the abuser while their is no repercussions for women who abuse. It is truly unfair.
This message is for Matt, M I am so sorry you had that experience, I was also victim of rape, and he tried his very best to kill me. As a result, he went to prison. When we become adults, we know what feels right. Please do not live in the past, as it only eats at you. You sound like you have a great heart to love and one day when you least expect you will meet the right person for you. Take the very best of care D.