More and more people are reporting incidents of domestic violence to the police. If you are a victim of domestic violence you will be aware of just how frightening it can be. The question that many people ask is what are the causes of this violence, is the person just a lunatic or are there other reasons behind it.
According to the latest reports alcohol has a large part to play in leading to cases of domestic violence. In the example of a husband hitting his wife when he is drunk, this is typically what can happen. For the sake of making this article easier to read, I shall call the husband John and his wife Linda.
John is a really nice guy when sober. Linda is very much in love with him and hopes that they will grow old together. John is a great father to their two children, is helpful around the house and is a great cook. The problem occurs after he has had rather too much to drink. John now becomes a whole different person, he starts to accuse his wife of having an affair, becomes abusive and very argumentitive. Linda realising he is drunk attempts to walk away to leave John to his bad mood, this only adds however to his anger and he starts to become violent.
The next morning John can not believe what he has done and is full of regret and remorse. He can not say sorry enough and begs for Linda’s forgiveness. He promises that it will never happen again and states that he will give up the alcohol if that would make his wife happy.
Linda is not sure what to do, she would love to forgive and forget but feels that it is very likely that it only happen again in the future if she does.
In many cases people like Linda will forgive their partner or husband a number of times before eventually losing patience with them.
My advice for John would be to stop drinking alcohol straight away. This seems to be the cause of all of these problems, therefore you need to find something else to have an interest in.
Another cause of domestic violence is known to be depression. Some people who are normally very relaxed can become very angry and abusive when in a deep state of depression. They can take their problems and frustrations out on their partner much like in the example above.
A few days or weeks later when the person in question is feeling a lot happier, they will not believe what they have done.
Whether it is because of depression or alcohol, one solution to this domestic violence problem could be to attend some form of anger management program, that is for people like John.
It is very difficult to read articles on Domestic Violence when all of them frame the victim as the woman, and the perpetrator as the man. We male victims of domestic violence, and our childeren who are victims as well, are given no place in any of these discussions, despite the statistics saying we are victimized more than women are.
Well, Ryan, that is because statistically women are most frequently the victims of domestic violence. In fact, The National Institute of Justice reports, and I quote “A review of the research found that violence is instrumental in maintaining control and that more than 90 percent of “systematic, persistent, and injurious” violence is perpetrated by men.” This does not mean that the 10% that are men should be ignored, nor does it mean that these men matter less. I am a mental health therapist and specialize in working with people who have experienced interpersonal violence and have worked with men, but the majority of my client base is women. Most DV program’s services include men – with the exception of shelters. If you are serious and you want to do something – the web is open – start your own blog, website, or chat room – I think it would be a great venue for men who are abused. Often men are too embarrassed to even report, the web maybe the perfect venue to stay anonymous and gain support.
As for the article itself, alcohol and depression – not the culprits. Many abusers hide their abusiveness under the cover of alcoholism or drug addiction. Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one. The only way a person can overcome his/her abusiveness is by dealing with their abusiveness. Anger management class is not the answer either, it is not about managing your anger, it is about dealing with a belief system that says this behavior is ok. My bet is that if law enforcement showed up, he/she could control their anger just fine. Abusers have an underlying belief system that says, they are entitled to treat their loved one anyway they wish.
I also take issue with the “…but he’s a good dad”. How can we call someone a good dad who is abusive to their child’s mother? Boys learn it’s OK to be disrespectful to women and girls learn that women are not to be respected. OK I have ranted long enough – peace out.
My father was a nice man and a loving father. Until he had a bad day or he went drinking with his friends. Then he would come home and abuse my mother, me and my sisters. I received the most of it, being the youngest, because I lived with him the longest. I went to school with bruises and my friends were worried about me. They were afraid to hug me because I looked so frail. I finally got out of that house when I was nearly 14 and moved in with my mother.
But soon after I moved in with my mother, my boyfriend at the time started abusing me because I did not do what he wanted. It was not the way it was supposed to be, I noticed that when I woke up the next day after a big argument. I got out of that relationship soon after that.
Women should never be abused, nor should men. NO MATTER THE AGE.
Well Ryan i agree i am a victim of domestic violence and i feel where ur comig from to many times men are pout in the same situations us women are and they get no remorse i am giving remorse to anyone man or woman who have been in a abusive relationshp my heart goes out to you 🙂
im doing a research project in school that is all about domestic violence and im finding lots of information from many websites and finding out how dificult this must be to deal with and i just wanted to say to those people who go through this kind of stuff who are reading right now i hope you get help and god bless you all!!!
hello?????????????? im sorry if i afended any one! truly i do hope you find help and god bless and keep you safe
I am a domestic violence survivor and you can be too!!!
Ryan, it’s a tough call. I’ve seen a guy get abused, kicked, bitten, clothes torn, interogated by the mother of his child who was taken away from the mother because the woman slapped the newborn for crying in front of a social worker.
Also been on the recieving end of someone who claimed that there’s no such thing as marital rape. And he “restrained ” me for being hysterical. Whew , good thing the cops took me and the kids out of the house because when I got the kids into school I was accused by the principal of kidnapping the kids. I know that this is going to sound crazy and idiotic but I wanted to stay and get assaulted long enough to prove what I was dealing with. The social worker in family court took my x husbands side and accused me of lying about the homicide/ suicide threat that my x husband made towards the end of the divorce proceedings. He cried father’s rights and won visitation. A potentially life threatening situation just waiting to happen. It’s hard to know who is really trying to establish standards for acceptable behavior in a family sometimes. My Dad was the nuturing parent. He was a very fair and healthy individual.
I agree that the abuser has a problem even without abusing alcohol – which led my husband to drink. He’s had his hands firmly around my throat and promised that he would kill me. So afterwards, he left our house and promised to get therapy but not necessarily to stopping drinking. My question is are there any stats for this scenario? Can they be helped with a problem thats so severe and probably happened before they were 6 years old and sufficiently so that they can change and start a significant romantic relationship (with me again)? In effect how many abusers are actually guided towards significant healthy minds? If anyone knows it would be a great help
I was raised in a abusive family. I have seen just about ever thing their is to see in a abusive family. I would like to think that i dont have these. Thing going on in my head but you know once you have seen that their is no getting it out of your head. I would like to thank my old man for that. But on the other hand my wife and I have been to gether for about 6 1/2 year. I havent been the greates husband but i have never hit her. I thank that a pereson chose what they want to do. I love my wife with all my heart. But some people thing they know about demestic abuse but in reality. Some people thank an argument about what to have for dinner is abuse. I thank that if two people are in an altercation of any sort both parties should have to got to counceling. My wife wouldnt know the thing she does of me if I hadent told he know she holds that ove my head every time we disagre. Or she says she want a divorce over any thing.. Also their is other abuse that you cant see but it take a bigger toll on a person then all of the others together.
I spoke to family and they don’t see the seriousness of the situation, I have to see how disappear. No Pugh physical, thank God, but enough mental, that it has made me say enough and gathering all evidence for a scary move, but it must be done.
This is an appallinly mis informative article on domestic violence and should be removed.
There simply is no evidence to show that ‘depression’ causes abusive attitudes and/or behaviours.
Furthermore the description ascribed to ‘john’ being happier some weeks after his depression indicates a total mis understanding of depression