Men: The Overlooked Victims of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is considered one of the most pressing issues in American society. Everyone quotes the statistics given by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1 in 4 women will be victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, 1.3 million women are assaulted by their partner every year, 85% of domestic violence reported is against women. However, in a conflicting survey taken by the CDC in 2010, it was found that 40% of the victims of severe, physical domestic violence are men.

Despite many findings that show almost equal amounts of abuse perpetrated againstDomestic Violence Statistics - Men Keeping Quiet men and women, the media and government focus the most attention on the female victims of domestic violence. Men are largely silent on the issue because of the perception that men are physically stronger and should be able to subdue a female attacker easily. Those men who do report physical violence are more likely to be ridiculed–both by law enforcement and by the public–than women are. More money is spent on women’s programs, and more crusades are launched on behalf of women who are victims of domestic violence despite the fact that men are almost equally or in some cases more likely to be victims of both physical and psychological abuse.

Although there has been an increase in the number of fatal domestic violence incidents against women, men are more likely to be victims of attacks with a deadly weapon. According to one study, 63% of males as opposed to 15% of females had a deadly weapon used against them in a fight with an intimate partner.

What is worse than the statistics, however, is the fact that there has been little research in the area of domestic abuse against men because neither the Justice Department nor any other agencies will fund such research. Because they refuse to do the research, people are able to perpetuate such myths as women are only violent when defending themselves, or that men could more easily leave a violent relationship.

Because of lack of funding, there are also few shelters that cater to men. Most shelters available will only take women and children, and some even have an age limit on the boys that they will take in (13 years old).

There is some help for male victims of domestic violence. MenWeb (www.batteredmen.com) offers resources for men, as well as a place for them to tell their story. There is also a Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (1-888-7HELPLINE) operated by a nonprofit in Harmony Maine. Clark University and Bridgewater State University are currently conducting a study on male victims of domestic abuse.

Men who suffer domestic violence can only receive help if they break the silence. Not reporting domestic violence because of the stigma attached is the main reason that men currently receive few services, and one of the reasons that studies on the issue are so few.

Sources:

Figure taken from MenWeb: CDC/DOJ Survey Men more often victims of intimate partner violence. http://www.batteredmen.com/NISVS.htm

Philip Cook,”The Truth About Domestic Violence”. From the book Everything You Know is Wrong (Russ Kick, 2002). Published by The Disinformation Company.

Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women. http://dahmw.org/

Comments

  1. Very interesting article… but leaves so many questions unanswered. Are we talking about domestic violence incidents (random act of violence between intimate partners) in which these 40% of men were victims of severe physical violence or are we talking about domestic violence as a pattern of behavior used to control the other. There is a difference. Also I would love to have known if any of these victims were at one time perpetrators of violence against their attackers. Were these victims in same sex relationships? The dynamics in same-sex domestic violence can be different than heterosexual ones… I would also love to have seen where the stat that men or almost equal or more likely to be victims of physical and psychological abuse…. I can’t help but recognize the minimization of the fact that more women are killed in domestic violence incidents in an effort to highlight the fact that more men are victims of attacks with a deadly weapon… Well I tend to think that if someone is going to attack their abuser, who is stronger than them, and would most likely kill them, they would have to use something more than a hair brush… (I’m just saying…); not to minimize the fact that men can and are often victims of domestic violence.

  2. XIao Mao says:

    This article minimizes and erases the fact that the VAST majority of violence- against women AND men- is perpetrated by men.

    And, seeing as women are raped, abused and killed BY MEN every minute of every single day- and THEY ARE ROUTINELY OVERLOOKED- I see this as another attempt to “special snowflake” male victims. Nobody should be a victim of violence, but let’s NAME THE AGENTS AND THE PERPS here. MALES.

  3. Having been the victim of DV by my x partner this comes to no surprise. She has/still conducts DV on a regular basis. I have never been violent towards her. I am very able to defend myself, I just could not bring myself to do so, harming others is not in my nature, let alone someone I loved. Her violence stems from an abused childhood and has mental issues because of it.

    Until recently I have never reported the abuse, which has been going on for a little over 2 years. As is normal with this sort of thing, having a lot of trouble getting people to believe me. I’m not a huge bloke, but I am far larger than she is. Perception is everything though, she acts the victim, says I have abused her and the children. I never have or will do such a thing, but because my reproductive organs are on the outside I’m automatically the bad guy.

    DV happens to all types of people, I don’t give a who is doing it. IT HAS TO STOP. Nor should it matter to anyone else who is hitting/abusing who. We should be spending more time working on stopping the violence and less time pointing fingers.

  4. Men are victims. I am currently serving a 2 year probation period for a simple assault with DV. I am a man. I was also hit, scratched, kicked and more by my ex. 3 years after leaving her she stopped by my home. I couldn’t get her to leave.
    I made a huge mistake by grabbing her and removing her from my home then locking the door. I should not have grabbed her. It doesn’t (nor did it matter) that she was hitting me and threatening me.
    I lost my firearms rights, my home, job, damaged credit, dog and 90% of my personal belongings. Fines, mandatory jail time, embarrasement and more is a cross that I bare.
    I am now committed to the reform of DV law. No witness or evidence is required to ruin a mans life. Immediate incarceration, no drop policy and bias are the results. My statement was never taken.
    I have no history of violence. I do have a new life and commitment to do what I can to see that men are created as equals. We have a long way to go.
    Men are typically larger than women and we are stereotyped as being the aggressors. The current laws in place are used as a weapon against men without a second thought.
    I am not angry, more saddened and shocked. You would never think this could happen until it does.
    I was charged with a DV because an ex girlfriend of mine (that I had no relationship status) decided to come to my home.
    Minimizing the use of a weapon by a woman because a man is larger than a woman is insensitive and ignorant.
    A woman can accuse a man of threatening her, or touching her without a witness or evidence and he will loose his weapons privileges for life without any chance or getting them back?
    I owned over 20 hunting guns. Where is disabling firearms privilege relevant? I had no weapon. Now I have no weapons. Do people really think that a man would need a weapon ? Where are the statistics of recidivism?
    Now that there is a no contact order in place (thank goodness) – am I more likely to run out and find another woman to abuse? Would I use a weapon when I had no history of violence in the past?

    Things have gone way to far and men have no defense.

    Abuse is not only physical.

    I am ashamed that our politicians have used this as a tool to pander to voters to their benefit. Catering to whom to gain what? Non of it makes any sense other than to disarm and punish law abiding citizens.

    My ex calls me constantly. If I answer the phone I will go to jail. Where is the fairness with this?

    All I can hope for is change. If it doesn’t come soon, I want out of this country.

  5. Hi Michael, hi to everyone here to all DV victims specially to men-victims! Michael I am trully sorry to hear what happened to you. Would you like to participate in something what might help to stop in the future gov. And public bulls about DV? Let’s show the true together to the world!

  6. I am a victim of DV that was perpetrated by my spouse. I am male and could quite easily cause major harm to my wife. However, I choose not to harm her in any way. Now, 10 years later I finally broke away. I was beaten with a 2×4, stabbed, hot foods poured on me, raped (yes, it happened…just think the the 2×4 played a major role in that) and a host of other things that she did to me, all in the name of love.

    Had I touched her at all, I would have been arrested. I agree with Michael in regards to how things are different for male victims versus females. I now understand the stigma that comes with the abuse and not reporting these horrible acts that were perpetrated upon me. I am scarred for life and luckily, have my children with me now. I say that I am scarred, but am learning to move on. While my children will have me attached to the mother for the rest of my life, I will never allow her or anyone else to demoralize me such as she was able to do. The sad thing to me is that I accepted the beatings, afraid of what the police would do to me…the victim. Mainly because I am a big man. How do you justify getting beat down by a 5’9″ 180 pound woman and I am 6’2″ and 240 pounds? The police would have looked at me andsaid, “Yea, right buddy. You have the right to remain silent!!”

    I am so very interested in learning more about DV and the outcomes. Things definitely need to change!

  7. Kim Benson says:

    Men I am so saddened to hear your stories. I have a good male friend that is a victim of DV. He loves his girlfriend so much that he will not even report her to the police. I even try telling him that if the shoe was on the other foot that she would have been had him locked up. I am currently working on a non-profit domestic violence foundation and trust me , men you guys have not be forgotten. I made it know that I do not just cater to women and children but men as well. Men please support each and start reporting your abuse. Abuse is Abuse..No one deserves it!!!

  8. “There is NO EXCUSE for DOMESTIC ABUSE” No matter the gender of the victim. Men please, start reporting your abuser (wife, girlfriend, whoever it is) You don’t have to suffer in silence. All of the “good We hear you and want you to be safe.

  9. Oops sorry deleted an important part

    “There is NO EXCUSE for DOMESTIC ABUSE” No matter the gender of the victim. Men please, start reporting your abuser (wife, girlfriend, whoever it is) You don’t have to suffer in silence. All of the “good times” cannot erase the abuse. We hear you and want you to be safe.

  10. Here’s my story every time me and my gf fight I’m always scared to call the cops because who would believe me? She hits me scratches me throw stuff on me all I do is stop her and push her away coz how would I protect myself from getting beat up by her. Then if cops arrive I’ll be the one who’ll get arrested. Law for domestic violence isn’t fair or equal.

  11. I am so sorry for you guys. I think it is stupid that men don’t have the same rights to be free from abuse that women do. I am a survivor of child abuse, sexual assault, and domestic violence. I grew up in a world where it was greatly overlooked. So, I know how it feels. I’m 5’10 and 250 lbs. (and I’m not very fluffy.) When I filed for help from my very angry husband, 6’1 and 120 lbs, they did nothing. Just because you look all big and tough doesn’t mean you are.

  12. michael chamberlain says:

    I believe this article with all my heart! I am an actual victim of domestic violence…I am a male! I was put through the courts twice from two different woman for the same thing…THEY SAID THAT “I HIT THEM” OR “ATTACKED THEM”! These false allegations against me are horrible…this make me want to be violent because society and the people are allergic to facts and logic! I have been hurt so deeply by this situation because these domestic violence charges do not go away it ruins lives…My life has been forever altered because woman of today are cowards they cant hurt men physically so they let the police and society handle their dirty work! I am willing to bet my life that over half of these so called domestic violence allegations against men are false

    Our judicial system is corrupt…It all starts with the woman’s deception, then the stupidity and arrogance of the police get involved, then from their money is spent on a lawyer who will not actually do anything for you accept give you little information and then ultimately old white men wearing black robes to decide your fate…

  13. michael chamberlain says:

    this comment is for the Asian lady XIao Mao who left a comment about men being snowflakes…first of all Asian woman are the leading factors of falsely accusing men of domestic violence!! I should know this to be true especially since I have 2 DV charges against me from Asians.

    Your comment is exactly why nothing gets done on either side of the spectrum! No case should ever be over looked…I am innocent…I would bet my life that more then half the men regarding DV are innocent! Woman have been getting smarter over the years.. Woman are the true aggressors knowing that men aren’t suppose to hit them and that with one phone call in their anger can ruin a mans life…

    RAPE AND MURDER are different from the normal DV charges of today…do not compare rape and murder with DV…Woman of today are cowards I’ve seen too much of it…NOT ALL WOMAN! Woman get angry hit slap punch nag lie cheat steel scratch threaten berate and call the police against men to gain control of a situation that they are in!!!

    Woman of today manipulate the system to get what they want when they are angry!!!!!!

  14. Kathy Kate says:

    I am a woman who grew up seeing domestic violence and swore I would never be a victim. I thought I had read all the books and did all the homework and still ended up in one. I was one who thought that if a woman hit a man he deserved it. I spent years moving so my children would see that you leave when you are abused and I thought I had to worry about my girls ending up in an abusive relationship, however it was my son. I seen my son on the floor with his arms covering her face while she hit him I came in the house and made her quit. I couldn’t call the police because it was my rental apartment and I would get evicted and I couldn’t be homeless with my children again and my daughters were still young. There was a police officer at a meeting and I told him about it and his comment I didn’t see it so I can’t believe it. My son is a strong young man and he could take care of himself however he won’t hit a woman because of what he seen happen to me. You know the saying “Real Men don’t hit woman” then why are we so ignorant as a society to realize instead of giving these men honor for not defending themselves we belittle them or don’t believe them. More information has to be made public so that people see the truth

  15. An overlooked fact is that men do not report abuse by a female because of the concern of not being believed, or that the incident will be turned around on them once police are involved. Here’s the clasic scenario: A woman is abusive, the man calls the police, the police arrive, she begins to cry and tells them that the man was the attacker or that she attacked him because she was “threatened” “afraid” or “scared”, the man gets arrested. The man is aware of the high likelihood of this scenario playing out so he takes the abuse rather than reporting.

    Also, men are conditioned to take physical abuse from a woman. A man is taught to disregard a shove, slap or punch from a woman. For most men, police involvement is the end of the relationship and many men are not willing to end a relationship from a mere shove, slap or punch. It often is not until a female abuser attacks with a weapon that a man makes the determination that the relationship is over. This also goes to the fact that men are more likely to be stabbed or suffer serious bodily injury at the hands of a female abuser – he never reported the attacks prior. But again, we have the scenario where the female alleges she stabbed him because she was “afraid” or “defending herself”.

    Proponents of the status quo would likely argue that there are no statistics to support the above. Admittedly there aren’t because unreported is unreported, and reporting for male victims is all too often more hassle than its worth considering the outcome. For many men, the best possible scenario for reporting is nothing happens, the worst is they go to jail. It’s what’s known as a “double bind”.

  16. My Girlfriend has “BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER” Look it up, and you will see that this disorder is an extremely dangerous situation to be in any sort of relationship with them.
    The “Borderline” can be perfectly fine one moment, and the next moment in complete “RAGE” and become “EXTREMELY VIOLENT” WITH UNMEASURED AMOUNTS OF AGGRESIVE VIOLENT FORCE.
    She punched me , slapped me, pulled my hair, hit me in the head with her fist, elbowed me in the chest, kicked me in the legs, stomped on my toes , kicked me in the ankles, and then, PULLED A 10 INCH KITCHEN KNIFE ON ME, AND GRABBED MY THROAT AND HELD THE KNIFE TO MY THROAT AND YELLED AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS “SHE WAS GOING TO KILL ME” “SHE STARTED TO SWING THE KNIFE WILDLY AT MY CHEST AND THROAT AREAS, AND I THOUGHT THAT I WAS IN THE FIGHT FOR MY LIFE, AND DIDN’T THINK I WAS GOING TO MAKE OUT OF THERE ALIVE. SHE WAS INCOHERANT OF HERSELF, AND WAS IN A STATE OF ” COMPLETE EXTREME RAGE”.

    I backed up and tripped and fell to the floor, and she kicked me repeatedly in the legs and ankles, and then all of a sudden she turned the KNIFE on herself and said she was going to cut herself open, and we can pour salt in it. She then took handfuls of her “anxiety” medications, and another handful of her pain medication, and I knew she was contemplating “SUICIDE”, just maybe she thought of what she had done, (but a borderline only thinks in black and white, or all good or all bad).
    I was able to knock the medication bottles out of her hands, but she still had the KNIFE, and that is where the struggles began, and that is where the marks on her arms came from, and that was where I made the mistake and grabbed her, and STRUGGLED WITH HER again and again to get the knife away from her, AND SHE CUT MY HAND WITH THE KNIFE. SHE FINALLY STOPPED FROM EXHAUSTION AND LAID DOWN ON THE BED.
    She fell asleep that night and I watched over her , just in case she might stop breathing from all the medication she took, she woke up in the morning and made us both a piece of peanut butter toast, and coffee, and then left the house.
    The police were over to the house a few hours later, and I was arrested for several Domestic Violence charges.
    She fabricated a story, that I attacked her and beat her, and that is how the system works.

    It’s a one way street for Domestic Violence against woman, and there is nothing any man can do to stop it, except to expose the ” WOMEN THAT ABUSE MEN”.

    THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE.
    ” WE NEED TO STOP THE VIOLENT AGGESSION AND ABUSE FROM WOMEN AGAINST MEN IN THIS COUNTRY”
    I AM A TRUE VICTIM OF PHYSICAL ABUSE BY MY GIRL FRIEND, AND NOW I FACE SEVER CHARGES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

    “WE NEED TO BE MORE VERBAL IN OUR EFFORTS TO STOP WOMENS ABUSE TOWARDS MEN.

  17. I have a story that is very simular to others, I am phisicly able to subdo my wife but can not bring myself to hit back. The verbal abouse almost hurts more than the scar on my forehead. Before we married I knew her family had relationship isues, but like many in love I let myself believe it would not be a problem. I only let her hit on me on two ocasions before I took serious action (demanded she move out & called the police).
    The first, after only a few months of maraige things were not well with us, I insisted for weeks that we go to counseling. I attended the first few meeting alone. I finally told her (phone TXT as she was at work) that if she would not attend counseling I was leaving. I hitched up the camper then took it to a little lake. After work she came to the lake to pick up my little step-daughter (her daughter). I asked her to take the girl & leave me, but she was so furious at me that she commensed to punching then once I was down on a bed she kicked my head until she was tired, the hole time trying to pry my hand to remove my ring but could not even when she had a kitchen knife (she did not cut me). I called the police to leave a phone statement (that was almost a waste of time, later when I needed it for the divorce it was short & incorrect). Days later, she told how she had cheated on me, we started counseling together but she only did the mininum.
    The second, several months later, the girls had fallen asleep watching TV. The next morning I was woken to my wife yelling at my little step-daughter then seen the girl sobing as she walked to her room. I questioned for about an hour if I was to allow this to continue. My wife was asleep by the TV, I woke her then said she was welcome to go to her folks if she was to act like this. After repeeting several times trying to convince her I was serious, she threw & broke a glass drinking glass on my forehead. I got quite noisy after this then yelled loud enough for her mother on her phone to hear that I was leaving to the police then the ER for stitches. She spent a few nights in jail, her mother bailed her even after telling me she was tired of helping her daughter (my wife) getting out of such trouble.
    I wanted to file for leagal separation & various counseling. But my wife chose divorce. The divorce is almost final, I am getting no help for being “the victum” because I am the man. And worse yet I have very limited rights to even see my little step-daughter.

  18. Domestic Violence against men is real. The VAWA needs serious repair in regards to False allegations of abuse. For Illegal Immigrants, it’s a quick ticket to getting that green card. Here’s how it works:
    First, you meet a woman from abroad and begin a relationship with her. After several months and years of dating, you pop the question, make plans to marry and bring her over here to the States. Her next move is to claim Domestic Violence, use the VAWA to help her in self petitioning for the green card. Meanwhile, you are jailed, lose the access to your property and your belongings. While incarcerated, she cleans out the property, trashes the home and leaves you with the bill while you are no longer allowed by law to own or possess a firearm without Due process of Law. Been there, done that.

  19. Debbie Palmer says:

    It is true that men can and are abused. Believe me I have seen the results when my grandson was beaten by his partner of 5 years and have a child together. He was taught that you Never hit a women; so when attacked he would cover his head to try to protect himself from what ever at the time was being used to beat him, frypan, fists, finger nails etc. She is obsessed, jealous, even when at work she is constantly trying to reach him. He no longer has a cell phone because she took his Iphone and smashed up against a wall. To be honest I kept hoping they could work things out with therapy however I did not know at the time how often the beatings were taking place. So for those of you that may not believe a man can be abused please think again.

  20. dj rights says:

    I have been without a women for 11 years now, it has allowed me to get on my feet again, and finish a few things that I neglected, that’s right gentlemen celibacy!!! I’m now a High School graduate, in my first year of collage at age 42. I have gotten my license back after 11 years, and have made a fresh start. If I keep my hands to myself, and don’t get involved in a relationship, things happen. I know that its’ hard to go without a girl friend or a wife, but sometimes its’ a must if you need to keep your head and stay focused. Now I have the time to concentrate on personal business, a College education, and building my savings account back up.

    Lets face it, were going to halve to go back into the old fashion way of doing things. Men will have to wait, let women and family go until later in life when we can handle a family as a complete man. Get away from girls, let them deal with life for awhile. A lot of the boys are going out into the world and getting knocked off balance by getting involved, getting knocked up in need of extra income, then they struggling to get back on their feet. Don’t get mad at women gentlemen, just get ready, be ready for what’s to come!

    Ready for court cost, lawyers and child custody battles, be on time with your bills that will come when all is said and done. Then raising the children that may or may not be yours, not that they cheated and had someone Ilse’s child, but most of the time they come with a few already in progress children, that we love as our own. Girls are tearing down a lot of unsuspecting victims, but that isn’t what men really need to know. You need to keep your mind, just deal with what is thrown your way, you can be ready for the challenge of life. Did you not know that the helpless women is becoming extinct! Don’t think that every one of them will stay in fear for the rest of their life, just get ready. Do this by being per-paired, not by buying expensive things for girls, but by being ready for a women, ready to experience life.

  21. I’m sorry, I need to step in here and confront Michael. I work with perpetrators of DV and this is what they do. They say all of these things happened to them when they just “slipped” or “just had to touch her to move her”. I work with the court system. NO ONE ever has been charged with an assault crime and given probation, and then had their weapons removed because they “picked her up and got her out of the house”. If you work with abusers, you’ll learn they have a miraculous way of making themselves victims. I don’t believe you, Michael- not because you’re a man, but because I see this day to day and that is a completely implausible story. Don’t fall for people like that.

  22. Belle Daler says:

    I work in a counseling firm and one of my duties is writing a mental health information blog for our website. I started research on domestic violence and quickly became curious about DV against men. In several of the websites I visited they suggested several solutions for men.

    One of the problems men face is having evidence against their abusers. The first thing an abused man should do is tell someone he trusts what is happening to him. And because I work with counselors, I also suggest they find a counselor and make sure they are willing to testify or give a deposition on your behalf if it should ever come to the point where you are before a judge for any charges or divorce proceedings. I suggest keeping a dated journal of every incident. If you have injuries, have someone you have confided in to take pictures, date them and put then in your “evidence journal”. I was also wondering if it weren’t possible to set up a “nanny cam”. Or at the very least, a voice activated recorder. Men need to protect themselves with the tools that are available to them since they can not physically defend themselves without looking like the abuser to the police. NO ONE deserves to be abused! If there are children in the home then it is doubly important to take actions to protect them too. Be smart and cagey when you can…I guarantee the women abusers are!

  23. As a female I have witness several men in my life be abuse by their spouse. Physical abuse is bad but as others stated verbal and emotional abuse is probably worse. Then the legal problems that ensue after the abuser falses reports that she was abused.

    I am preparing a thesis and would like more testimonals regarding this issue. With these testimonals I will attempt to secure a grant to advocate to the public that NO abuse is acceptable as well as training legal and court personal.

  24. women are abusers too says:

    Is this a good simple way to put the men into perspective. I have a male friend who was victimized for a decade before he filed for divorce. He also was accused of domestic violence by a woman whom I was friends with for three years, not just once but twice. She also said prior to doing this that she would do it to obtain custody and placement of the kids. She makes real victims really angry and should be penalized for using the laws to try and gain favor in divorce court. Especially when she abandoned her children for her boy toy and then decided she wanted to be a mother when she didn’t want the bill of child support and rather wanted to be paid. Now thankfully I hooked this man up with a lawyer that would be in it for his rights as a man and as a father. So far at least she hasn’t won, but she did cause damage to his military career and his reputation. Never once their entire decade together did he ever lay a hand on her, but she did it plenty, and I saw it. This is why I am not her friend. I despise women like her and hope all get their just deserts.

  25. I cannot believe the ignorance of the women on this site. They really believe that Males are the Vast majority of the perpetrators? Seriously, women are JUST as likely to be the perpetrator as the male, the ONLY reason that the statistics show (in many FEMINIST research groups) that females are more likely to be victims than men is because they use the Archival data. Archival data is based on the information that is reported, and since more women report, the stats say more women are victims. However, the Feminist groups are STILL saying that 85-95% of victims are females…that statistic even WITH archival data is NOW false since more men are reporting but they’re STILL SAYING IT! The ONLY reason women on here are bitching about how this article is focusing too much on men…hello we’ve had over ten years in the spotlight and you’re crying because your mind can’t take the fact that yes, we are JUST as violent as men. We’re not innocent little angels that never do anything wrong if anything we have LESS control over our emotions more so than most men. You eat those feminist lies as if they’re speaking Gospel. Have you ever asked yourself what were the names of those studies? Did you know that MOST IF NOT ALL of those studies are FUNDED BY the Feminist group? Conflict of interest right there. And ALL of those feminist funded studies focus on ONLY the female’s side NEVER the ENTIRE PICTURE. Sure, I’m a “survivor” of domestic violence myself…but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be in denial and believe that all victims are women. To do that is TOTALLY sexist, to paint the male as the sole perpetrator WITHOUT ANY REAL evidence that you did yourself or you’re just trusting someones word IS GENDER PROFILING! You ARE a sexist and are Gender Profiling if you believe and support that MOST victims are women and MOST perpetrators are men because it’s a MYTH and it HAS in MANY SCIENTIFIC SURVEYS (NOT funded by feminist groups) to be PROVEN as nothing more than a MYTH.

  26. Response to ‘S’. I’m not positive but it seems like you are implying that men cannot be the victim in these cases. You said “They say all of these things happened to them when they just “slipped” or “just had to touch her to move her”. “ Having had this just happen to me three weeks ago I can tell you that, at least in my case, it is true that “these things happen”. My wife was beating me with closed fists and books as I tried to make my way out of our home. I knew that I could not defend myself but what I did do was grab her arm to move her from blocking the door so that I could get away from her. The day that she was released from jail she came to our home to talk to the kids and gather her belongings. I was gone because she has a no contact order. When I returned my 15 year old son was livid asking why I hit her. I explained that I did not and never have hit his mother. He described a bruise on her arm where I had hit her. A few days later I ran into her at the grocery store and she did in fact have a bruise right where I grabbed her. From rumblings that I’ve heard among my family (she is currently living with my sister) she made comments indicating that I hit her. An attempt to make herself the victim.

    For me, the frustrating thing about all of this (comments that I’m reading on this forum) is that so many people, including professionals like yourself, seem to be wearing blinders and assuming that since the man is so much bigger he could never be the victim. Well, I’m here to tell you that is not true. In fact, I’m not surprised to read that it is very common. My wife learned it from her mother. Her father left when she was a teenager. My wife’s mother learned it from her mother who was known to chase her husband around with weapons.

    My only advice is to avoid having a relationship with a person who has ANY type of violent tendencies or a family history of it. If it surfaces during your relationship, run like hell! I wish I would have done that 15 years ago. Now I have the unbreakable connection of four children with this sick person who is also the mother of my children who, ironically, are the best thing that ever happened to me. Unfortunately I don’t think my wife will ever get help. I hoped that her being arrested for domestic battery would make her see the light and make some changes. Instead, she seems to be more angry.

    After this happened to me three weeks ago I did some research (I was to young to even think about it 15 years ago) I’ve found that my relationship is the classic case of spousal abuse. Except, contrary to what may people think, even some “professionals”, the man can be the victim.

  27. I want to let all of you know that I attend Weber State University in Ogden. October is apparently domestic violence awareness month and there are so many posters up. The grand majority are about domestic violence against women and little against men. Makes sense. It is sponsored by the Women’s Center.

    I vow to use this article in an email to the Women’s Center and address their bias against men. It is time this was addressed. Men can be victims. We can be attacked, assaulted, and we can even be raped. America is a nation of equality, so everyone must be thought of as equally able to be hurt.

    Enough of the bias.

  28. it wont change atleast not in our lives because of people like xlao mao the only reason men on women violence is so much higher is because alot of men wont speak out and until recent i was the type of guy that if another was to tell me that his wife was beating him i would laugh at him and call him a wuss

  29. Looking forward in sharing my story also and am glad to be around people
    That understand how it feels to be living in fear day by day.

  30. Drew Baas says:

    Even in this article Ruth S. skews it toward the female side spouting the official line. “Domestic violence is considered one of the most pressing issues in American society. Everyone quotes the statistics given by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 1 in 4 women will be victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, 1.3 million women are assaulted by their partner every year, 85% of domestic violence reported is against women. However, in a conflicting survey taken by the CDC in 2010, it was found that 40% of the victims of severe, physical domestic violence are men.”

    And “More” than 1 in 4 men in the United States will be victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives, “2 million men” are assaulted by a wife or girl friend per year. An men were “53%” of the victims of abuse were Men! And as far as the hot line goes, and all those “Resources”, call them and find out, there is no help for men, Not even at the Veterans Administration. Ask me how I know? I am a former special operations former Army Commando, 6’3″ 300 lbs. and I an a victim of severe domestic violence. The above article is bullshit lip service, published my Ms. S., and the only thing she could get by her Rad Phem editor. Which, Isn’t accurate, or truthful at all. I hereby throw down the gauntlet, a formal challenge! Show me any domestic violence shelter for male victims in the north American continent. Since a “Hot line” in Maine isn’t any help at all..

  31. I am currently writing about domestic violence against men and would really like to hear from victims, survivors or those working to change the laws and the stigma. I’m also interested in stories about men divorcing their abuser. My knowledge is first hand as my fiancée was physically abused, controlled and tormented by his ex wife for over 25 years and never once called the authorities. Even through the divorce she continued to torment him. The most memorable quote came from someone in the legal field after she broke the windows out of his home…. “Of course she did, she was mad”…. That just about sums up the entire situation.
    THIS HAS TO STOP!

  32. I am a former police officer and I was attacked violently by ex wife three or four times. She increasingly got worse and worse with her attacks. Even on the last day that we were in the same house she still attacked me and who ended up getting arrested? Me. I would like. To say that domestic violence is a people problem and not a gender issue. We all get so wrapped up in blaming a specific gender when in all actuallity it’s really an issue with those that have wee wees and those that don’t. As a matter of fact the incindence of DV amongst lesbian couples is quite astronomical as well. Extremely disturbing. And I have to say that because there’s a couple of you ignorant people in here flat out man bashing because your so full of hate and unforgiveness. DV is still eating at your heart and mind and its not good. Get counseling, help or whatever you need, and move on. Not all people are alike and not every woman is like my ex wife.

  33. It is with relief that I read of men speaking out about DV against them. It is time that the world acknowledges this fact.

    I was taught that men don’t hit women. In fact, any form of hitting against any sex.

    My ex, hit me in the face over a number of years. When I discovered her having affairs and filed for divorce, the violence escalated dramatically. I was sworn at, hit through the face, spat on. Always this behaviour was “justified”, that I deserved it, had asked for it, had provoked her.

    Eventually, she hit me in the face, sending my glasses flying in front of my parents and daughters. This was the first time I had witnesses.

    I had my lawyer send a letter to her via her lawyer, that an assault had taken place and that if this occurred again, charges would be laid. It was also mentioned that this was not the first occurrence.

    The reply was that there were extenuating circumstances. However, the physical violence stopped and there was only emotional abuse thereafter. I had spent 27 years under frequent emotional abuse and thought it was normal behaviour from a wife.

    My advise to men finding themselves in a violent relationship, unable to defend themselves, is to report each case to the police or relevant authorities. In my country, you don’t have to lay a criminal charge, it can be noted as an incident.. You start a paper trail.

    What you must do, is start to prove a history of violent attacks. Men are not taken seriously and you will need to demonstrate an ongoing violence, all the time without defending yourself or retaliating.

    What did I learn? If a partner hits you, leave them immediately. Have no contact with them and only communicate through lawyers. They will physically abuse you again.

    A person who hits you once, will not stop.

    I vowed, that if I ever got into another relationship, I would leave immediately if I was struck..

  34. Reading these comments hurts my soul. I was a victim of Domestic Violence from many years ago. I got out with my life, but still carry the emotional scars. Back in the fall I started a God-based support group for people who are currently or in the past had to deal with Domestic Violence. My group, God’s Roses, had been made up of women. I now have 3 men who have asked to join. I am so looking forward to all of us helping each other to heal our scars and grow stronger… to be the individual we were meant to be.

    About a month ago, I attended a 2-day conference on DV. Everyone I talked to said I was doing things with my group the “right way and that they could learn from me, as well as other victims”. Wow! I met lawyers, police officers, counselors, medically trained… all who wanted and needed to know how/what to do.

    I asked one officer ‘who had a death in the US Congress caused by DV’. He asked my why I would ask that and I told him that seems to be the only way a good law happens in this country…such as the drunk driving law enacted because a Senator’s daughter was killed by a drunk driver. He said that DV has reached an “epidemic” in this country and that it “could no longer be ignored”. My response was “it’s about damned time that people opened their eyes to this.

    It’s time that Domestic Violence comes out of the closet.

  35. Thank You and Goodbye

    Thank you
    …For my children
    …for giving me the chance to be a father
    …for making me feel guilty that I had hearing loss.
    …for the lump on the back of my head
    …for “giving up on the marriage but not telling me.”
    …for using my desire to heal the marriage against me.
    …for showing me that I married an idealized version of you.
    …for using the moments where I blew in total frustration to tell me “you might have considered getting back together if I hadn’t just did something”.
    …for lying to me when I asked the week before you left me when I asked if you were happy and you smiled and said you were.
    …for closing the door by sleeping with somebody before we were even divorced, a mere 6 weeks after you moved out.
    …for destroying any fond memories I had for you and replacing them with images of you screaming at me and berating me in front of my children.
    …for enjoying the pain you caused me by leaving. Yes, I saw the smile.
    …for making out with a polyamorous stranger in Chicago…twice.
    …for showing me that person can live with another and never really know them.
    …for telling my children we were “separating for a bit” knowing full well you were never coming back.
    …for listening to all the people who secretly enjoyed a bloodbath.
    …to your “Office Polls” about what you should do with the relationship
    …for using my best friend and his wife against me.
    …for filing for divorce without telling me…and letting our mail carrier tell me.
    …for breaking up the marriage via email.
    …for refusing to consider couples therapy even though I asked three times before you announced.

    Now that I’m single…I am much less alone than when I was married to you.
    Thank you for leaving me.

    Good bye…
    …to the family and home I wanted .
    …to lazy Sundays
    …to the prospect of enjoying grandchildren together.
    …to taking pride in cooking for you
    …to endlessly parenting your mother.
    …to suffering your overindulgence in her
    …to paying here MORE money than daycare to sit around and smoke
    …to your ceaseless overworking and online gaming
    …to the exception being when you came away from your computer and ate with the family
    …to the phrase “I have work to do tonight”.
    …to there never being room for MY needs in the relationship.
    …to you grumbling when my needs were met.
    …to your never ending efforts to cast the blame on me then calling me a martyr if I did take the blame.
    …to standing in a room dumbfounded after you attacked me for some perceived slight that took place in your head.
    …to never being able to work with you because you insisted on overriding everything I suggested.
    …to never going anywhere I wanted to go on vacation.
    …to all the loving and good memories you wiped from mind after years of abuse.
    …to going months with sex
    …to you telling me I was “over acting “ while I was having an actual heart attack on the couch.
    …to the feeling on the outsides of my feet from the spinal injury you gave while you were “acting badly”
    …to walking away when you were screaming at me because I knew you were not going to back down and it was the only thing I could do.
    …to 45 minutes fights which were really “let’s see how much abuse I can heap on my husband” sessions.
    …to sleeping in the woods because the house wasn’t safe and the kids might wake up.
    …to having alcohol thrown in my face.
    …to you trying to kick me
    …to you slapping, punching and throwing things.
    …to lying about facial injuries to my co-workers
    …to your abuse

    Goodbye my loving wife.

    The person who takes care of my children every other week looks like you…but it’s not you.
    I sometimes wonder if there was ever really was a “you”…
    …and by extension, was there ever an “Us”.

    If you see the woman I married tell her I love her and I miss her.

    R.

  36. When I was 19 I was beaten by a girlfriend with a six foot long wallet chain which belonged to her brother.
    She was upset because I had spent that day with some friends of mine including a woman I had been in a previous relationship with.
    She accused me of cheating on her and as I walked out the door hit me repeatedly with the chain on my back and across my arms and ribs.
    I have never hit a woman, even my sister when we were young, in my entire life.
    I have been hit by women, and people think I am weak or this is funny.
    I have been raped, by two women, who drugged me for the purpose of sex, so that my girlfriend would have an excuse to break up with me.

  37. 50% of DV is reciprocal, 53% of nonreciprocal DV is committed against men, and 71% of the nonreciprocal DV is initiated/instigated by the female. There are plenty of sources out there that offer a different spectrum from what we see from NCADV, which is funded by our legislative branch specifically aimed at DV against women, so there is a huge conflict of interest in the statistics being presented there versus those done by other agencies that have nothing to gain other than their findings.

    My story offers a different version from those preceding; that of reciprocal DV. From the onset I want to be clear that I am not attempting to place blame nor justify my involvement. What is to be examined is the role of both parties involved; how the victim and victimizer can often be the same person and interchangeable within the conflict. To be as brief as possible, my partner came home after being out drinking and attacked me; furthermore, she would not let me leave the premise. I eventually snapped and fought back.

    I was arrested, charged, incarcerated, and ultimately made to plea as guilty due to how our judicial system deems DV as exclusively male against female. In retrospect, the statement that was given to police by her was skewed. She had taken the stance that I came home, I attacked her, I falsely imprisoned her. Concrete evidence was, still is there, that supports the fact that she falsified the report but the officers neglected to even examine the possibility. Calls, texts, breathalyzer, engine of her vehicle being warm; all of which supported my statement yet all dismissed by police and the court system because of the stereotype. I am responsible for not only my actions but for hers too, right?

    There is no money in truth or equality. The government propagates they want to eliminate/reduce this issue yet are the front runners in keeping the problem right where it’s at by making funds available only for a specific group. The US Department of Justice has a great definition of what DV truly is and try to keep the text non biased; however, to find the USDOJ definition you have to go to “office of violence against women” home page. If that in itself doesn’t thoroughly give their stance, observe the sources listed in addition to the other links within; all of which are aimed at violence against women. Nothing available for violence against men or just simply adult against adult, just women.

  38. sam simmons says:

    I myself endured thirty years of abuse both physical and emotional abuse. I found as the laws became stronger her abuse increased .she used to tell just try to defend yourself you will be in jail with in an hour. I talked to an attorney he told me under the current laws she was right .something needs to be done to protect men as the current laws have made a lot of abusive woman feel they have a blank check which they do. I went to urgent care with injury’s she caused many times just once I told them that she inflected the injury the only question they ask was what was she defending herself against .over thirty years I have been ran down by her with a car , twenty plus concussions, broken ribs, collar bone . arm and leg fractures, internal organ ruptures , nobody would listen it was all about protecting woman from abuse she told me if I left her I would never see the kids again ,she has kept her promise even into the kids adult life they think that there mom had it tough that if it was that bad something would have been done to their mother ,Family friends were so happy for me when she finely told me to leave I have had overwhelming support from our couple friends , and some of family including her brothers who said she was abusive and had been al her life they said she was a bully as a kid.

  39. My ex would frequently just stand at the point between the living and dining room near the front door where I could not get to the kitchen or go out the front door without going near her, and would then take a swing at me if I walked though (sometimes taking a step towards me if I was on a trajectory to pass outside her arm’s reach), claiming it was self-defense because she felt threatened by me coming near her even though she had set herself in a position to effectively control use of the house if I had to stay out of the bubble I was not allowed to set foot in. I was allowed a bit less than one third of the width of our mattress, and would be hit or elbowed if she thought any part of me had strayed over that line without having first asked her permission. Even if she rolled off her her half, through the “DMZ”, onto my third and thus into contact with me, she would hit or elbow me if I moved in any way to touch her in any way unless I first asked permission even though she was already in physical contact with me. Similarly, though she would reach and take my hand in public if others were looking, as soon as we were out of public view she would take a swing at me for “touching” her if I tried to continue holding her hand when she was not putting on a show.

    I lucked out in that the priest we were seeing for marriage counseling finally saw that she was not even trying to change some of her more extreme behaviors and backed me up on insisting she get a full psych evaluation by someone unaffiliated with the counseling practice she had been with for (at that time) 8 years with no improvement in her ability to function, prompting her to flee with our kids (to use as de facto hostages) and file the first of 5 fabricated CPS reports (all of which CPS ruled out and even went so far as to tell her she needed to quit making false reports) before she had worked out something to accuse me of that would “stick” in her attempt to maintain control of the situation to her liking.

    To this day my opinion of the local women’s crisis center is strained because they tipped her off that the court had tried serve a restraining order while she was out doing some errand or another, then shuffled her between their locations to try to stall her being served, actively defended her decision to violate that restraining order by continuing to hide our kids from me (and not even let me talk to them on the phone), and even tried to stall revealing the name and location of the daycare where they were when I finally got her to court and the judge ordered that the kids be immediately me released to me and ordered my parents to go pick them up.

    I wound up with primary custody of my two kids with her, but she soon married a guy she worked with (who she reeled in because he had a house that had belonged to his parents and felt sorry for her and let her move in at first as just a roommate) and filed another CPS report on him as soon as she had recovered from childbirth with the daughter they had together, and managed to make that charge on him stick to the point that he is only allowed a few hours of supervised contact with his daughter every other week.

  40. I am a male victim of dv. I had been married to wife for 2 years. She was arrested on December 25th, 2011 for battery by dv. In this instance my oldest daughter was present & we had to leave to escape the violence. After she was arrested she called me non stop from jail calling me coward & several not choice words. I eventually I felt so bad that I went to court in the morning & plead to have the charges dropped as an “isolated incident “… I succeeded, big mistake. The violence continued to increase. On various occasions she attacked me w a knife, broke two of my ribs, busted my lips gave me black eyes, stating if I told anyone she would kidnap our daughter & take her out of the country & have me killed. Finally on Aug. 31st, 2013 she hit me while I slept & drug me from bed, beating me senseless over a 4-6 hour period, biting me to the point of drawing blood. She suffocated me to the point of unconsciousness twice, the second time giving me CPR. Then when I ran for the door, which she was guarding, she hit me over the head with a brass statue. I eventually made it out of the home & called 911 & she was arrested for battery domestic violence & domestic violence by strangulation. With the threat of having our daughter kidnapped & having me killed I fled to my parents house four hours away. Fast forward I obtained a restraining order against her but at court the bailiff sat me on the prosecution side, assuming I was the respondent. Her legal team at this forced child sharing, we arranged supervised visitation w my mother as supervisor to take place by weekly for 3 hours. At the 3rd visit she hit my mother & was not arrested. My mom filed charges & in spite of the “law” & having witnesses & video evidence, the state felt it was & I quote the (lead state attorney in Hillsborough County, Florida)” Not financially viable to prosecute” so I obtained a stop to all visitation by the judge, that her legal team agreed to. Then we get to my deposition in the dv case by her attorney.. she says to me “You’re a man & she’s a….” I answered woman. On the date of jury selection she took a plea of guilty on the battery in return to have the felony dropped, which the state attorneys office was aware, I had not agreed to offer her. I went to a pre hearing for the divorce last week. The judge immediately, completely ignorant to facts in the case, begin tearing into me stating “it is completely unacceptable that the child has not seen her mother in seven months & that we had to find a location in the middle to minimize stress on the child for them to meet weekly without supervision”. One week after my side contacted hers with a reasonable & entertaining location, her side responds refusing, stating it should be in our former city where she still lives. They are also petitioning the judge to force me to move back. I very well could have physically over powered her in any of these altercations but I loved her & would not harm her. Now I’m suffering by the hands of a flawed legal system, a lack of resources for men & my pervious fear of speaking out.

  41. Also my wife is an immigrant & did this final act of violence 1 week after receiving her green card & was an illegal immigrant up to this point. We were married for two years before this & it took this long to even get her green card because she was on probation for dui in one county & driving while suspended in another(mind you the suspension occurred due to her visa expiring 6 years previous to get caught driving)…. flawed system I think so

  42. bob korn says:

    i was see a woman for about 5 years she always and she always had to be incharge one night see tried to run me over the bad thing is that there was 5 cop watching to whole thing and when i went to say something to them they told me as far as the saw it was just a figth between a man and a woman and since she didn’t hit me it was no big deal

  43. D Murphy says:

    I am a mother of a son who would never ever touch a female. I am also a liason for a Domestic Violence chapter in which my two sons have always volunteered for. Recently one of my son’s was arrested for assalt on a female in which he did not touch. Long story short he was trying to move his things out of a house her family owns yet he pays the bills. After putting some things in the car he was locked out. He hit the door and went back in to get some more of his things. She jumped on his back with his hands full and when he spun around she fell off and hit her head. She states she called the police because the door would no longer lock and when the police asked her if she was hurt she told them she had a bump on her head. The inital cause of the police call was for the broken door not abuse. My son left as he did not want to continue to argue. He later went on his own to the police station to tell his side of the story. He was put in an orange jump suit and shackles and transported to jail as the police charged him with assault on a female. His girlfriend tried to get him out by saying he did not touch her but they would not let him out. He lost time from work, I lost time from work, his good name and record was slandered in the local paper a week later as assault on a female. He was appointed a lawyer, given a court date almost 2 months away and told not to speak with her . They have a baby together which misses her dad. We all have to answer her phone calls and relay messages to him. This is crazy as she says he did not abuse her, she has witnesses as to what she reported to police and he is just not that kind of guy. He is absolutely innocent. His girlfriend talked to the PD, the DA, The jail officials and the magistrate and no one will move the date up or drop the charged. I agree that Domestic Violence is a serious problem, yet so are men who are abused and have no rights. They can be slapped, pushed, verbally abused, jumped on and scratched and women are never arrested. Why? because men have been groomed to think it is sissy to call the police on women, or they don’t want to see their children’s mom go to jail for a temper tantrum… Why don’t women feel the same way? This is out of control and needs to have attention. One idea is when the men are questioned and the police is told there is abuse at that time from the female and there is proof, then she needs to be brought in as well. The police wrote on the report that her head was hit on concrete. Guess what there is not any concrete at their house. He did not hit her head the floor did when she jumped on his back and fell off his back. He had to spin cause if he had grabbed her and pulled her off then he would have touched her right? Don’t ever think relationships are 50% when it comes to domestic violence. The law is 100% for the women. By the way, I walked the walk and could not report mine because if I had, I would not be here to tell this story. I can also tell you that several of my guy friends and male family member’s were abused constantly by women and it was never reported by calling 911 only later. By that time it is too late. One thing I need to point out is not only does women know they can falsely charge a guy, they can ruin his life constantly and blackmale them into doing everything they want or refuse to tell the truth when it comes to court time. ” I need the bills paid” or ” You had better find a way to keep your child tonight ” and ” I will move to another state and you will never see your child” . This has to stop. I hope all men who read all these stories join forces. Let’s start a face book page or a petition and give to the governor of our states. I’m willing to go as far as washington because my son is a great guy and does not deserve a false charge from anyone. Good luck out there and please listen to us mothers to always be good to women and if they are not good to you then it is time to hug, say goodbye and go be happy. If you have children together seek legal advice and don’t try to punish each other by making the payments unaffordable as they will send you to jail too if you lose your job or unable to afford. Be adults and go by the golden rule to treat people nice.

    God Bless you All
    Deanna Murphy- North Carolina

  44. D Murphy says:

    Please post comments on behalf of men who are abused. Main reason it is not reported is it is considered unmanly by most and also they don’t want their childrens mother in jail. This has to stop. No more false charges against men

  45. D Murphy says:

    As a mother and grandmother I can tell you that one meltdown and drama event that causes a person to be arrested affects on the average of 20 people as all the family members are called, the neighbors, the friends, church members and the whole damn community that reads the local paper saying someone was arrested on assault. Sad that some of those community may miss the issue stating the falsely accused person is really innocent. Women, please stop doing this to men who are good!

  46. Elizabeth says:

    I believe that men can be abused, my husband was in an abusive relationship before he met me he has a scar on the back of his ear where the woman tried to rip his ear off. She tried to strangle him and he had to defend his self. She would call him names and say bad things about his daughter. This woman has made him afraid of even being yelled at I see the damage she has done. She still today is harassing me and him both we have blocked her on facebook and she still finds ways to get at him. He endured 19 months of this and finally got fed up and left for good. If he had not left she would have killed him.

  47. As a boy I watched my father physically assault my mother, the most scarring was when he choked her until she passed out. As I got older I always knew that I would never be like him. I was never very tall but I was always very strong and muscular and was very aware of the type of violence I was capable of. My first love was my world, she convinced me to leave the Bronx which was where I grew up and all of my family was. When we moved to her home town things were great, we were young and in love, the sky was the limit. After a while the truth about who she was began to surface. It began with belittling comments, and gradually escalated to days and nights of me worrying about what she was going to do next. She would throw things at me, curse at me, emasculate me, slap and punch me and by the end, she threatened me with and tried to use a knife to cut me. I was holding my oldest son and she came out of the kitchen with a knife in her hands saying that she was tired of me and that since I won’t take a hint and leave she will just have to make me leave. I thought at first that she was kidding, but then she lashed out at me with the knife. I couldn’t believe that she tried to cut me while I had my son in my arms, I put my son down, grabbed her, and pushed her against the wall all the while she swinging the knife. I was eventually able to get the knife from her but that wasn’t until I grabbed her by the neck with the hand that was not restraining the hand with the knife and began to squeeze. She dropped the knife and it took me a second to let go, I was angry, not just because she tried to cut me while I was holding out son in my arms but also because she turned me into a man that I did not want to be, my father. I let her go, packed a bag, kissed my son good bye and left. I didn’t have anywhere to go or stay and was went into a depressive tail spin. It took me many years to recover from that, to realize that I wasn’t my father and that what I did, I did in self defense. I didn’t know it when it was happening but she was abusing me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I once told a this story to a friend of mine in confidence, his question was why didn’t I kick her ass, and why was I being such a bitch about it. This is the truth behind a man being the victim of domestic abuse. The shame of being a man and being in that type of situation is soul crushing. Men being victims of domestic violence is a dirty secret that most men will not admit to. Even though I have come to terms with it I still can’t talk about it, so much so that I didn’t use my real name for this post. I am an almost 50 year old man that is so scarred by what happened to me that I can’t be in a relationship, so much so that I am still single. While I was in the military there was a guy I worked with that lost his, home, money and eventually his life because he was in a similar situation. One day he comes to the command and requests a cool down room because he and his wife had gotten into a fight. The police came to base and arrested him because his wife called and said that he had hit her. He admitted to hitting her but only to get away because she had attacked him. A couple of days later he was released on bond and was not allowed to leave post. That night he committed suicide, a few weeks later my unit was called to muster. Our commanding officer told us what happened and the results of his autopsy. It was found that he had scratches over most of his neck and back, he had old and new bruises and worst of all, he had suffered a severe blow to his groin was swollen and he had suffered a testicular rupture. He had left a note and in it he talked about how he had told the police about what she had done and that they said that he was just making it up so that he wouldn’t go to jail. He said how one of the officers went as far as to suggest that he had someone purposely cause those injuries so that he could say his wife did it. The interviewing officer asked him how he expected them to believe his story when his wife was barely over 5 feet tall and skinny as a rail. He said it was because he refused to fight back, the cops reply was to taunt him by pretending to be crying and saying boo hoo, my wife hit me. The shame of admitting that he, the man, was a victim of abuse and then suffering the taunts and humiliation by the police, losing his home and everything else left him feeling that there was nothing left but to commit suicide. He was over 6 foot tall, 200 plus pounds and extremely athletic. Because of his stature, and job no one would believe him, this is the nasty truth about this type of abuse and why it does not get reported. Men are always looked at as the perpetrators even when they react in self defense. We need to open up about this, we need a safe place to be able to open up about this, because if I can go through it and he can go through it, there is no telling how many others out there are in the same situation or have been and already have taken their lives over it. When men hit women, the women are victims, When men hit women and the woman fights back, the woman is the victim, when a woman hits a man, very few people believe or acknowledge his situation and go out of their way to avoid calling him a victim, when a woman hits a man and a man defends himself, the becomes the victim. The percentage of women that commit DV has almost equalled that of men that batter women but yet the legal system prosecutes less than a ten percent as compared to the 80 plus percent of men. I find this to be very disturbing that a great majority of women can commit DV with impunity. Just because I am a man does not mean I am any less a victim, where are my rights? Where are my advocates? Where is the outrage? Why can’t I be safe? Why can’t I defend myself if the legal system won’t defend me?

  48. My son was killed by a domestic abuser, his wife, last December. She has gotten away with it. If there are any activist/advocate groups I can participate in, to educate people, please send me an email. Please.

Speak Your Mind

*